Mornings with Michelle

14956435_10100441516900429_5816207160880901689_nAfter having a major mental breakdown in January 2016 that ultimately led to the diagnosis of bi polar I with a mixed episode (bi polar is a disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs, where a mixed episode is where a person experiences symptoms of both mood “poles” — mania and depression — simultaneously or in rapid sequence), and spending seven months on medical leave, I now work part time as I continue to rehabilitate and establish balance into my life.  Needless to say, I got knocked on my ass pretty hard, and even while recovering, I have gotten knocked down a few more times, but like a stubborn son-of-a-bitch, I keep getting back up.  Since this life changing event a little bit more than a year ago, my life has undergone some major renovations and many aspects of my life are no longer what they used to be.

So, with that being said, let’s Segway into how my day starts, because it can be kind of entertaining.  You know that’s one of the things that they don’t highlight about having bi-polar.  A highlight is, that every day, there’s the possibility that your day, may be pretty amazing!  It may suck, like so horrible that you can’t pull yourself out of bed, so bad you don’t have it in you to even crawl over to the toilet to pee, but there’s a chance, it could be a rockstar kind of day.  I never really know what to expect and that makes living my life pretty entertaining…

In general, there is really nothing that spectacular about my life, except that it is my life and everything I touch turns to magic…wouldn’t it be cool if that was the case, like for real, it would poof!! and there would be confetti, or you would touch it and it would turn into rainbows… rainbows and unicorns and sparkles and glitter!! Now that would be awesome!! I think I need to talk to Jesus about that next time he and I have a conference call, I will have to add that to the agenda… nor is my life horrible…

I mean, there are people who have things wayyy worse than me, and I know that for sure, no need to line up for a competition here.  As far back as I can remember I have dealt with a mental illness… for one, I can’t remember never being without anxiety, she has always my BFF for life, we have the moon and stars necklaces to prove the friendship!  Anorexia fucked me up good when I was 15 and 16 and continues to cause me problems now in my 30s.  Unbeknownst to me when the Anorexia and Bulimia was literally killing me as a teenager the underlying problem was the Bi-Polar, but that diagnosis would come 16 years later.  You know, it really boggles my mind that I could spend an entire year in a psych ward and never actually be properly diagnosed as being bi-polar, but hey, I guess the hospital’s only job was to make me eat (or that’s what it seemed like) and they couldn’t even do that, so properly diagnosing me was above their pay grade, but I hold no grudges, Bible says to forgive those who wrong you, right?  And then in my caldron let’s toss in some domestic violence, emotional, mental and sexual abuse with my first marriage and I really have had a good go of things.  But you know, not too horrible, just colorful, eventful, an experience let’s call it?

But, enough of the back story, let’s get back to my day in the present… first off, I have a pretty amazing bed.  Like amazing, amazing (yup, double amazing!).  It’s no tempurpedic or sleep number, expensive, high dollar, take out a second mortgage on your house bed, just a regular old mattress, but one that Jesus dropped down from heaven right onto my box spring, hand delivered by arch angels.  It’s a king, so there is no problem with being in all cramped sleeping quarters.  And it’s like a Goldilocks bed, not too hard, but not too soft… but kind of a Mary Poppins bed too, practically perfect in every way… So, a Goldilocks Mary Poppins Bed!!!  Every morning, I must mentally talk myself into getting out of bed, does that even make sense… the bed is so damn comfortable, that I lay there thinking that I have died and am literally sitting in heaven and the only reason I know I am not in heaven is because my alarm clock is going off and I am certain that there are no alarm clocks in heaven!

Every day the alarm goes off (most every morning, I am not the most consistent person in the world), at what time you ask, like at the very early time of like 7 or 730 am, I know, incredibly early!  I have been working to get up earlier since the kids are now back in school and I am trying to be a better parent and trying to be more present and all.  I also like to see my spouse (worth getting out of bed in the morning), and I am thinking he may want to see my darling face in the morning, you know with me with my morning breath and my “I just put my finger in a light socket” hair in addition to the “my CPAP machine mask is too tight so it leaves marks on my face” because what is not more attractive first thing in the morning?  The CPAP marks compliment the black circles under my eyes from the makeup that I neglected to wash off the night before that resemble the “you kind of look like you got into a fight at the bar because you just knocked over some drunk broad’s beer” look… am I painting a pretty good picture, like I said gorgeous!

But nonetheless, I am no early riser, never have been.  How I ever made it to school on time is beyond me… and come to think of it, I don’t know how I ever made it to work on time in previous years with my old schedule.  I do recall getting called into my boss’s office quite frequently and gently reminded about how it is important that we show consistency with our arrival due to our position within the company, this happened more often than it should have.

But back to my day, it starts out between the hours of 7 and 8 am, give or take an hour either way.  I get my coffee, which is always made for me by the most amazing man ever, they truly broke the mold when they made him.  Not sure how I ever lived before I met him.  My life was not complete and there was a huge void that existed, like a black hole, but bigger, so whatever is bigger than a black hole is what existed in my life before I met Adam.  I have my coffee and I sit and I check my emails, text messages, Facebook, Pinterest, myASU account, handy dandy news app on my iPhone, getting all updated on what happened while I was away from the world for 10 hours.  Oh yes, 10 hours.  For the most part (unless I am manic), I sleep a good 9-10 hours a night.  It’s a gift.  It is also due to the amazingness of the medication cocktail that my psychiatrist has me on.  The one medication Saphris, is an atypical antipsychotic developed for the treatment of schizophrenia and acute mania associated with bipolar disorder, has this effect where it puts you in a sleep coma, which is an amazing trick!  It also has this trick where it makes you gain 20 pounds and you look like you have been living off McDonalds 24/7 for 6 months straight and you have given up on your looks entirely, but your psychiatrists don’t seem to care about that small/large side effect, only that you maintain your balance between depression and mania, but I am sure more about that will come up in later posts since it is one of my favorite things to bitch about.

Some of my best, most favorite and most comical conversations happen in the morning.  And yes, they happen with my cats.  Specifically, my boy cat, Hunter.  He likes to tell me all sorts of things.  He tells me about his dreams and his aspirations, and what he hopes to accomplish in his life and all he hopes to be one day.  Realistically, he is probably telling me that he is hungry, thirsty and that his litter box is dirty, but I like to make things up.  When he gets annoyed with me and has done enough talking he moves over to performing tricks.  I have trained him to roll on his back and show me his belly.  It is the biggest, fattest, whitest belly ever, and he has the smallest head in proportion to his massive body, so it is quite the sight, which I happen to think is the cutest thing ever.  I am aware I am probably a bit biased, but nonetheless, it’s adorable.  When he rolls on his back and shows his belly, the desired result is for the human that sees this action to yell “Belly!” and then he meows and it makes me smile.

At some point between the coffee sipping, Facebook viewing, and cat talking I feed my face with some kind of a gluten free substance.  Having food allergies is another highlight of my life.  Because having things that your body is allergic to just makes life more interesting.  I am convinced that my body hates me.  I think that it goes out of it’s way to try and make my life as hard as possible to live.  If it’s not one thing, it’s another.  The thing I miss the most about being allergic to wheat is garlic bread.  Oh, garlic bread, you are so delectable.  The warm soft bread, the savory butter, the aromatic garlic… I am literally salivating now as I type.  Yup, I sure do miss garlic bread!

And that’s my morning… not too exciting, but not boring either.  A drawn-out morning and most days not rushed.  It’s become a nice routine, one I have become accustomed to.  It’s lazy, but not too lazy.  I get done what I need to and still make it to work within a reasonable time.  One thing that is incredibly important with managing bi polar is balance and routine.  Being a person that avoids consistency like the plague, I have applied quite a bit of effort to put a routine into effect that works with my aversion to the morning hours, while pairing it with the need to have a job and get to work on time most days during the week. A nice calm start to the day is a good base for a whatever the day could potentially bring… I always wonder if a herd of elephants may cause a traffic jam during my morning commute and that nightmare I have of the game of Jumanji coming to life will actually come true.

#bipolar #mixedepisode #anorexia #bulimia #domesticviolence #anxiety #depression #coffee #saphris #mania #allergies #cats

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