Outside Looking In

image1There are moments when I catch myself feeling like I am outside of my life, looking inward.  It’s trippy… I would imagine people who have taken a spill on acid or LSD probably have had the same experiences, but the only drugs I am taking are mood stabilizers and antidepressants.  It is a weird sensation, but provides an overwhelming feeling of emotion.  I am not sitting here crying a river or anything, but I am feeling warm and tingling in my head and heart.  These experiences enable me to take a step back away from my life and look at it as a whole.  When I do this, I realize just how much I love my life.  I mean don’t get me wrong, there are things that I don’t like.  If I could not be Bipolar, that would most definitely be something I would change.  I dislike the variety that comes with the disorder and how I can be quite unpredictable.  But, it is a part of me, and without it I wouldn’t be where I am today.

We spent the weekend out of town with our friends and their families as part of our annual family camp.  It was a fantastic time where we all enjoyed the picture-perfect weather.  All the kids played together using their imaginations and embarking on adventures.

I lost count of the number of times I looked at my partner and thought, “I’m so incredibly in love with this man!”  I just sat and stared at him and several times he caught me.  I was totally being a creepy stalker, but I just couldn’t help myself.  I am smitten.  It’s true.

Often in life we need to experience “bad” times to be able to appreciate the “good” times.  I had a horrible marriage when I was in my early 20’s.  I have been left with numerous scars as a result.  But, if it had not been for that experience, would I appreciate what I have now as much as I do?  Did I have to go through a horrible situation to receive the gift that I have been given today?

If I had not struggled with infertility and ultimately divorced due to my inability to bear a child, would I feel the love that I do for my step children?  Did I have to go through the years of trying to have a child, only to end up broken hearted every month to protect my own children from having a debilitating mental illness?  Was my womb being protected so I could dissolve my first marriage and move across the country to be with the man and his children where I feel I was ultimately supposed to be?

I don’t have the answers, that’s for sure.  But I know when I am in a good place, I’m able to look at my life, and all that it entails, and feel so much love in my heart that I think it may explode.  I am now with a man who loves me despite my numerous health conditions and mental illnesses.  I am part of a family who loves me, and loves me for my craziness.

I’d like to encourage you to take a minute and reflect on your life.  Identify the positive aspects of your life and meditate on those items.  At times, we can get down and overwhelmed by what we don’t have, so much so that we lose sight of all that we DO have.  Taking time each day to focus on the positives in our lives can totally change our mindset and improve our lives.

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