I always wanted to be a mom. Much like my mother, I wanted to be a stay at home mom, make baby food from scratch and home school my children. I was married at 20 and started immediately trying to conceive. Month after month, there was no pregnancy. The pressure to conceive was intense and I did not understand why I was not conceiving. My husband blamed me for us not conceiving. What was I doing wrong? Did I anger God and was he punishing me? Every month, I would cry as my heart was breaking.
People around me were conceiving, some of it planned, some of it not. My heart would break every time I heard the “news”. Why was seemingly everyone else getting what I wanted? I would try to be happy for my friends and family members, but it silently killed me. I was so incredibly jealous, and I felt like a total failure. I lost count of the nights that I cried myself to sleep.
My marriage ended in 2007 after I had my first of six surgeries for Endometriosis and the diagnosis of infertility was handed down. With this diagnosis he asked me for a divorce, saying that I was depressed and since I couldn’t have a baby, he thought we should end our marriage. I was devastated, not because I was losing him, but because of the way he rejected me. I don’t think that there are words that can describe what it feels like to be rejected for something that is out of your control. I did not ask to have Endometriosis, a disease that was taking my insides hostage. So much for the whole have and hold, through sickness and health thing.
I did not lose hope. Being raised in the church I was familiar with people like Sarah and Rachel who were barren for countless years before conceiving a child. Perhaps my body was just protecting me, waiting for the right man to come around. Maybe I needed to pray more?
The time never came for me to be with someone with whom I could have kids. Through my 20s, I had numerous surgeries for the Endometriosis and ended up having a hysterectomy right before my 30th birthday.
I pursued a career to distract me from my inability to procreate. I’ve had remarkable success, however, there is a void in my heart. What would my child look like? Would they have red hair like I did? How headstrong would they be? What would it feel like to have a human grow inside of me?
Last night I cried… saying how much it hurt, the not ever having my own child, for choosing the wrong person in the beginning, for losing the limited number of years that I had to conceive. I shared that it’s like a sharp stake going through my heart. How I feel like a failure… How I know I would’ve been a good mom.
I am a mom, a mom to my step children. They are a true gift from God. My life was not complete until they entered my life. They are enough, and I am blessed. With my mental health, sustaining a pregnancy and postpartum would’ve been a total disaster. I can mentally process why it is best that I never had a child, but that doesn’t change the pain that lingers, years after receiving the diagnosis.
Life happens as it should. There’s another purpose for me. But today, my heart is heavy as I am missing what I never was able to have. #infertility #endometriosis #stepmom #bonusmom #barren #void #baby