a67c9d94ca9bc246ae58cfbf1c4008d7I always wanted to be a mom.  Much like my mother, I wanted to be a stay at home mom, make baby food from scratch and home school my children. I was married at 20 and started immediately trying to conceive.  Month after month, there was no pregnancy.  The pressure to conceive was intense and I did not understand why I was not conceiving.  My husband blamed me for us not conceiving.  What was I doing wrong?  Did I anger God and was he punishing me?  Every month, I would cry as my heart was breaking.

People around me were conceiving, some of it planned, some of it not.  My heart would break every time I heard the “news”.  Why was seemingly everyone else getting what I wanted?  I would try to be happy for my friends and family members, but it silently killed me.  I was so incredibly jealous, and I felt like a total failure.  I lost count of the nights that I cried myself to sleep.

My marriage ended in 2007 after I had my first of six surgeries for Endometriosis and the diagnosis of infertility was handed down.  With this diagnosis he asked me for a divorce, saying that I was depressed and since I couldn’t have a baby, he thought we should end our marriage.  I was devastated, not because I was losing him, but because of the way he rejected me.  I don’t think that there are words that can describe what it feels like to be rejected for something that is out of your control.  I did not ask to have Endometriosis, a disease that was taking my insides hostage.  So much for the whole have and hold, through sickness and health thing.

I did not lose hope.  Being raised in the church I was familiar with people like Sarah and Rachel who were barren for countless years before conceiving a child.  Perhaps my body was just protecting me, waiting for the right man to come around.  Maybe I needed to pray more?

The time never came for me to be with someone with whom I could have kids.  Through my 20s, I had numerous surgeries for the Endometriosis and ended up having a hysterectomy right before my 30th birthday.

I pursued a career to distract me from my inability to procreate.  I’ve had remarkable success, however, there is a void in my heart.  What would my child look like?  Would they have red hair like I did?  How headstrong would they be?  What would it feel like to have a human grow inside of me?

Last night I cried… saying how much it hurt, the not ever having my own child, for choosing the wrong person in the beginning, for losing the limited number of years that I had to conceive.  I shared that it’s like a sharp stake going through my heart.  How I feel like a failure…  How I know I would’ve been a good mom.

I am a mom, a mom to my step children.  They are a true gift from God.  My life was not complete until they entered my life.  They are enough, and I am blessed.  With my mental health, sustaining a pregnancy and postpartum would’ve been a total disaster.  I can mentally process why it is best that I never had a child, but that doesn’t change the pain that lingers, years after receiving the diagnosis.

Life happens as it should.  There’s another purpose for me.  But today, my heart is heavy as I am missing what I never was able to have.  #infertility #endometriosis #stepmom #bonusmom #barren #void #baby

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