In life, things happen and we wonder why. Why do I have endometriosis? Why do I have Bipolar Disorder? Why do I suffer with chronic pain? Why does anxiety plague my brain with relentless questions and worries? What did I do to deserve all of this?
As time passes, most questions will never be answered. There’s that saying “everything happens for a reason” but we are never left with the actual reason why. Is this where the concept of luck falls into place? Where some people are just luckier than others? Or on the flip side of the thought process, that some people are stronger than others and therefore more capable of handling the more difficult situations and conditions?
So, is it a blessing to not know the reason why? The whole ignorance is bliss mindset? At times, not knowing something is a protective barrier. You have no choice but to accept what you have been given and figure out the best way to deal with it.
However, there are times when we start to see the reasons why things happened as they did. I never was able to conceive a pregnancy, even after trying for three years. I was in a bad marriage that failed two years after we said “I do”. My husband had a drinking and drug problem. He was unpredictable and showed signs of Bipolar Disorder. So, not having a child was a good thing. When two parents with Bipolar have a child there is a very high chance that the disorder will be passed to the child. If I had a child while married, I probably would not have left the marriage, would not have taken the opportunity of a job relocation across the country and never would have met my current partner and been blessed with the blended family that we have. Ok, so I can see how that worked out for the best.
Circling back to the Bipolar part. When I was trying to have a child, I did not know that I was Bipolar. I only knew that I suffered from anxiety, but for the most part I could manage the condition with little to no medication. Now that I know that I am Bipolar, and that I could have passed the disorder to my child, this freightens me. I would not want my child to suffer through the mental, emotional and physical hell that I have gone through, while trying to obtain balance and stability. It would have destroyed my heart to know that I gave the disorder to my child and that there was little I could do to help them. Not having children, prevented one more person who suffers from mental illness.
I recently started participating in an online study for Depression and Bipolar by the organization 23 and me (www.23andme.com). Part of the study included a DNA, Health + Ancestry test (retails for $200). By providing a salvia sample, in a few weeks I would get back a detailed report of all things Michelle. The results were not what I expected. Unbeknownst to me, that test was incredibly thorough and identified that I carry the variant that causes Cystic Fibrosis. I am a carrier for the disease and it was made clear that I could pass this onto a child. No one in my family has Cystic Fibrosis so this came as quite a shock. I could have unknowingly passed Cystic Fibrosis onto my child, an incurable disease that causes impaired lung and digestive function. A disease that shortens the lifespan of the people who are afflicted and have a life in and out of the hospital as doctors try and manage symptoms. Yet another reason that it was best for me and for an innocent child, that I never conceived a child.
More times than naught, we don’t know why things happen the way that they do. But, when we are given a glimpse into why events happened as they had, it is overwhelming and can be emotional. All things do happen for a reason. And sometimes, we find out why and it all starts to make sense.
Life is a journey, there are ups and downs, good and bad. It is all bundled together for us to experience, and out of the blue sometimes we are given the opportunity to know why.
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