Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

A Very Merry Unbirthday to You

tumblr_mivyfjktIR1rqycfoo1_500Today is my birthday, or as my mom calls it my burst forth day.  She states that I burst forth into this world babbling thirty-three years ago and have yet to cease.  And there we have it, Bella’s Babbles.

Birthdays are known to be days of celebration and fun.  It is always presumed that the person who is having a birthday will have a fantabulous day basking in the glow of their amazing birthdayness.  We wish upon people, “Happy Birthday!” “Hope your day is fabulous…”  and such, but what if the day isn’t just that?  What if you get in a funk every year around your birthday and you just don’t know why?

For those that have a history of depression, they may be able to relate.  Although, it is a day of jubilation, they may feel blah, somber, and maybe even sad.  I mean there is that song by Lesley Gore, “It’s my party, I’ll cry if I want to” so obviously someone other than me, has cried on their birthdays.

I did not cry today.  But at one point sitting in my car, if a sad song had come on the radio, or if I saw a lost baby kitten, I would have broken down in tears.  I wasn’t having a bad day per se, just was sad.  I had a great hike in the morning with friends and a fantastic breakfast with my mentor.  But, I was feeling gloomy.

I forced myself to think on things that were true, right and pure (Philippians 4:8).  To meditate on all the wonderful and glorious things that are happening in my life.  I willed myself to flip the switch, so to speak, to get me out of my funk, to power through feeling like Eeyore, but alas, only spurts of sunshine peaked through.  This afternoon I took a shower and told myself that I was washing away the negativity, the gloom and sadness.  That when I re-emerged from the shower that it would be a new, fresh start and I would be happy and filled with joy.

After my shower, my son was home from school and this brightened my spirits.  He has a way of doing that.  I brewed myself a cup of coffee and we talked about each of our days.  Before long, my daughter was home and she shared some exciting news about her acceptance into a special program at her school.  A quick facetime call to my mom to share this excitement, brought light and laughter into my afternoon.  Reading a message my son wrote on Instagram made me nearly cry, but in a good way, like happy, I am so very blessed tears.

Today will not go down as the most amazing, most fantastic, most glorious day ever, but it will be remembered as a day when I experienced a ray of emotions, but did not let any one emotion dominate my day.  When co-existing with a mental illness, there’s challenges in each day, and our expectations for specific days may fail to meet our expectations.  But it’s so very important that we identify our feelings, work through them and then past them, while maintaining control.

#todayismybirthday #birthday #itsmypartyillcryifiwantto #sadness #celebration #exuberence #gloomy #eeyore #depression #anxiety #bipolardisorder #stepparenting #bonusmom #stepmom #lovemylife #thirtythree #inmythirties #anotheryearolder #happyunbirthdaytome

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