I bee-bop through life trying to deal with the things that come up. I try and act like ordinary things do not bother me, that they are just no big deal, that I am able to dismiss them and move forward. However, that is a bit of a lie. I hold onto these things like they are earth shattering mistakes that will ruin the rest of my life.
I am stressed over the fact that I don’t feel like the servings of food last night for dinner were large enough. That I question if the children received enough nutrients, were they deprived? And at work, I yet again made another mistake with the accounting program and I fear that my boss will be frusturated with me, thinking I should be at a point where I am no longer making mistakes. Then my brain goes to a communication I had with a friend. “Is she mad at me?” comes to my head and I dwell on it. The “I should have done this” and “should not have done that” races through my head, and guilt and insecurity fills me. Did I happen to mention that this all occurred while I was driving? In addition to the fears of being rear ended, side swiped and the stress that comes each time I see a red break light, I have all these thoughts crowding my brain.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist this afternoon. As usual, I wrote a summary document about what I have been experiencing over the last few weeks. I provide her with this information so she can see what is going on and we can immediately get into discussing the events that have transpired, allowing more time for discussing any alterations to medication and coping mechanisms.
In addition to the normal anxiety that fills me, today I am anxious about this upcoming appointment. Will there be a change in medication? How will the change in doses affect my day to day activity? Is exhaustion a side effect I can expect? Is mania something I will need to contend with? What about weight gain? And, I don’t even know if we will do a change in medication, these are all what if’s, but what if’s are the story of my life it seems.
It is aggravating and somewhat depressing to know that this is Bipolar Disorder. This is the ups and downs that are notorious of the disorder. Is this what I can expect this point going forward. Is maintaining stability for an extended amount of time even a possibility? If I stay on my medication, and do what the doctors say, why am I still having issues? Is this the best that it will get? Do I just need to accept this as my new normal?
I practice my deep breathing. I focus on the truths. I trust my psychiatrist and know she will suggest only what is best for me and my condition. I know I will get through this, don’t know exactly when, but I have always persevered and now is no exception. These are the cards that I was dealt and I will make the best of what I have. There is no option to fold. I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and I will put one foot in front of the other and press on.
#bipolardisorder #anxiety #depression #OCD #bootstraps #psychiatrist