After removing Wellbutrin from my cocktail of medications due to the debilitating anxiety I was suffering with, about a week in, I started to feel the throws of depression starting to suck me under. It was a little bit more than gradual, a little sluggish, then harder to concentrate, and then it took everything in me to do the littlest tasks. I reached out for help as soon as I realized this was more than just a few bad days. I will admit that I was quite frustrated that although I had received relief from the anxiety that now I was dealing with depression. I was like, “really?”
After speaking with my doctor, we decided to bring back the Wellbutrin and hope that the increase in Lithium that was implemented previously will combat the anxiety and prevent it from coming back.
Within just a few days, the sun broke through the clouds and the birds started chirping. However, there’s a catch (there’s always a catch, it seems) … I went from down to a little up, to rocket launching Elon Musk’s car in space. And that’s when I said, “oh shit!” I tried to convince myself that it was just from having coffee, or the anticipation for the Girl’s Night In I was hosting, but after I cleaned (I mean cleaned) nearly my whole house within just a few hours, I knew that it was more than a little caffeine high. I had gone from zero to sixty, depression to mania. And that’s when I nearly cried.
My house is spotless, which is a rarity, just ask my mother. I had a phenomenal gathering at my house where I was able to teach my friends how to decorate cupcakes with all the gadgets that I own. And then we painted, we painted for hours… I cranked out I think four pieces of art, all that I like, which is not the norm. I could’ve kept painting or decorating cupcakes, but it was getting late and I ran out of cake and frosting. Nearing midnight, I was sitting on the couch and I was so wide awake deep in my bones. There was excitement that was dancing within me. My mind was in overdrive.
With assistance of a sleep aid, I did get a full night’s sleep. And woke to attend a hot yoga class. It did not totally kick my bum, but it was close. I forced myself post class to listen to a guided meditation, or seven, in attempts to get the humming birds to go away. Hummingbirds is the way I describe the mania that I experience. Hummingbirds are constantly moving and fluttering their little tiny wings, always jetting here and there, constantly busy, and alas that is what I am like when manic.
The meditation did not work. I finally put away two months’ worth of clean clothes, reorganized my bathroom cabinets and did all the laundry for our family of five. I am attending another yoga class this evening and will probably run errands to prepare for making supper. Sitting still is posing to be a problem.
I am currently sitting outside watching my cats lounge in the warm sun, while listening to soft classical music fill the air and I feel refreshed. I also feel like I am going to run around the yard in about 30 seconds and hope that no one sees me because I MUST move.
I see my doctor tomorrow and I am quite interested to see what the next plan of action will be.
So yeah, this is Bipolar, this is what it is. I am along for this ride, the ups and the downs and all the in between. This is my life. It is the only one I have, so I make the best of it. It’s not always ideal, but it I embrace it. I focus on what is within my control and the positives that are in my life.