Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

Zero to Sixty

IMG_1182After removing Wellbutrin from my cocktail of medications due to the debilitating anxiety I was suffering with, about a week in, I started to feel the throws of depression starting to suck me under.  It was a little bit more than gradual, a little sluggish, then harder to concentrate, and then it took everything in me to do the littlest tasks.  I reached out for help as soon as I realized this was more than just a few bad days.  I will admit that I was quite frustrated that although I had received relief from the anxiety that now I was dealing with depression.  I was like, “really?”

After speaking with my doctor, we decided to bring back the Wellbutrin and hope that the increase in Lithium that was implemented previously will combat the anxiety and prevent it from coming back.

Within just a few days, the sun broke through the clouds and the birds started chirping.  However, there’s a catch (there’s always a catch, it seems) … I went from down to a little up, to rocket launching Elon Musk’s car in space.  And that’s when I said, “oh shit!”  I tried to convince myself that it was just from having coffee, or the anticipation for the Girl’s Night In I was hosting, but after I cleaned (I mean cleaned) nearly my whole house within just a few hours, I knew that it was more than a little caffeine high.  I had gone from zero to sixty, depression to mania.  And that’s when I nearly cried.

My house is spotless, which is a rarity, just ask my mother.  I had a phenomenal gathering at my house where I was able to teach my friends how to decorate cupcakes with all the gadgets that I own.  And then we painted, we painted for hours… I cranked out I think four pieces of art, all that I like, which is not the norm.  I could’ve kept painting or decorating cupcakes, but it was getting late and I ran out of cake and frosting.  Nearing midnight, I was sitting on the couch and I was so wide awake deep in my bones.  There was excitement that was dancing within me.  My mind was in overdrive.

With assistance of a sleep aid, I did get a full night’s sleep.  And woke to attend a hot yoga class.  It did not totally kick my bum, but it was close.  I forced myself post class to listen to a guided meditation, or seven, in attempts to get the humming birds to go away.  Hummingbirds is the way I describe the mania that I experience.  Hummingbirds are constantly moving and fluttering their little tiny wings, always jetting here and there, constantly busy, and alas that is what I am like when manic.

The meditation did not work.  I finally put away two months’ worth of clean clothes, reorganized my bathroom cabinets and did all the laundry for our family of five.  I am attending another yoga class this evening and will probably run errands to prepare for making supper.  Sitting still is posing to be a problem.

I am currently sitting outside watching my cats lounge in the warm sun, while listening to soft classical music fill the air and I feel refreshed.  I also feel like I am going to run around the yard in about 30 seconds and hope that no one sees me because I MUST move.

I see my doctor tomorrow and I am quite interested to see what the next plan of action will be.

So yeah, this is Bipolar, this is what it is.  I am along for this ride, the ups and the downs and all the in between.  This is my life.  It is the only one I have, so I make the best of it.  It’s not always ideal, but it I embrace it.  I focus on what is within my control and the positives that are in my life.

4 thoughts on “Zero to Sixty”

  1. Wow what a powerful article. I was given Wellbutrin but I got depressed more so I stopped it. I do hope that you’re feeling alright. Sometimes I don’t know what feels worse for me, my emotions of anxiety and depression with medications, or my outbursts when I try to ween off them. I, like you, need to make lemonade out of my lemons. I commend your strength living with this. Be well 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll be honest, today is a rough day. The mania hit a high point over the weekend and today I am still struggling. More changes to medications post appointment with the psych this morning and working from home due to the side effects, but I know this will pass. I am incredibly blessed to have such an understanding boss and co-workers. And yes, making lemonade out of lemons… this too shall pass… what I go through makes me stronger…

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  2. Thank you for posting this. I was in a deep depression and was hospitalized twice. The pdoc added Celexa to my regimen, which didn’t seem to be helping at first. We upped my dose and my depression turned into mania overnight. I was cleaning, staying up all night, ran out to get a last minute tattoo (in a visible spot on my body, which is one of my rules of things NOT to do), not sleeping, spending money I don’t have to spend, dancing, laughing, letting my children stay up too late on school nights, and just generally being unruly in public. I’ve calmed down quite a bit since my pdoc doubled my antipsychotic, which has essentially sedated me, but I’m still waking up early and my mind is still racing, but my body can’t keep up. I like your hummingbird analogy. It’s perfect. Here’s to good health and wellness!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my! Yes I can totally relate. Funny, tattoos are usually involved in my manic phases too… this one is the cleaning and exercising… past ones have been more severe and I didn’t sleep, but currently I am sleeping…I hope that you are now in a place of stability and enjoying every second that you are there. Today I am frustrated with the mania and how it is affecting my responsibilities, but alas I can just keep pressing on… peace to you!

      Liked by 1 person

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