Due to the mild winter that this region is having, I was able to go hiking again this morning. Although I like to sleep in, I have been pushing myself to get up an hour earlier, so I can get out of the house and fit in some hiking before heading off to work.
Yesterday, I also went hiking, but the experience was very different from today. Due to the mania, yesterday my brain was flooded with thoughts and my body burned with energy. For portions of the hike, I ran, and I ran like someone was chasing me. For those that don’t know me, I am no runner, not my thing, even if someone was chasing me, I would probably walk. But I was brimming with so much fire, I felt like I had to do something to burn off the energy. Although I was listening to music, I was thinking about all sorts of grandiose matters: Shopping, painting, part time jobs, transitioning to being a full time student, increasing my hours at work, should I cut my hair, should I have bangs, what color should I dye my hair next… It was relentless and was incredibly, incredibly distracting.
But today, well today was different. There was not the feeling of hummingbirds welling up inside of me. There was a calm in my body. I was not shaking like a small dog. I had some peace. Mind you, I am a little hungover from an increase in the Vraylar, but it was not too terrible, just a bit tired, but not exhausted. The morning was overcast with some amounts of rain sprinkles. The cloud cover was ominous, a little scary and amazing. Very few people were on the trail and I prefer this, I am not all about interacting with people while hiking. It’s my alone time. And today it was just that. I was alone, on the hike, in my mind and in my body. It was such a gift. I thought about all the things that I was thankful for and how I was blessed.
I shared with my friend about my positives for today including that I evaluated my credits remaining and I will be able to graduate by May of 2019. I have been in and out of college for nearing 16 years. Starting and stopping so many times I lost count due to mental illness. So, finally getting my Bachelors degree is kind of a huge deal to me. After I shared, she said “that’s all?” and this made me go into thinking mode… after I got to the top of the mountain I was climbing, I had a list and I sent her a text with the following:
“I didn’t run out of gas on the way here. I live in a place where the sun shines nearly every-day. I have medication that can help bring me down off a manic high so I don’t have to suffer. I have an incredible support group including family, friends, doctors and co-workers. I am stubborn. I have drive and perseverance. I’m forever looking to improve myself for the better.”
When I was young, my mom shared the Bible verse Philippians 4:8 (NIV) that states: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
And this is what I do. Everyday. It is a new day. A day that has provided me with clarity and peace, a little grogginess and just a tad bit of zombieness, but it’s a glorious day and I am blessed.