Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

Spring Break: Girls Gone Wild

spring break photoOver the last week my college was on recess for Spring Break.  The timing could not be more perfect, as my co-worker took a week of vacation and I was tasked for filling in and completing their job responsibilities during their absence.  It was a much busier week than I am used to, but obviously I survived.

Throughout the last week, my work load doubled, or maybe even tripled, and I still had doctor appointments, off site meetings and family obligations.  There was a bit of back and forth, an immense amount of driving, and numerous deadlines (some of which I totally forgot about).  To say it was a stressful week, would be an understatement.  I made mistakes and had to confront my fear of failure head on, each and every day.

On top of the chaos that was in place, I made the decision to monkey with my medication.  I had been consistently gaining weight over the last few months, and this week of all weeks I decided I had had enough and was going to do something about it.  I did not stop my medication, but decreased the dosage to what I was on back in January.  I was determined to lose the weight I had gained as my clothes were starting to fit snuggly and I was having no part of that.  I knew that messing with my medication was not smart.  I even told my spouse that I knew that I should not make any changes until I spoke with my Psychiatrist, but none the less, my repulsion related to the weight gain was so strong, that it overpowered my thinking.

Almost a week into my cutting my doses in half, I woke this morning and was determined to complete the household chores.  Now let me tell you that I am in no way a Cinderella, waking to the sounds of blue birds singing and immediately starting in on chores.  I am the person that takes an hour to become human, only after consuming two cups of coffee.  But that was not the case this morning.  Within two hours of being awake, the laundry was started, kitchen was cleaned, a month’s worth of clean clothes were put away and the bathroom was tidied.  I stood in the center of my kitchen wondering what else that I could get into.  I wanted to bake a cake, but I was out of eggs.    My spouse asked me what I wanted to do, and I just stared at him.  There was so much running through my head and I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say.

I chose to confess my sins knowing that I was going to get “that” look and I was going to be asked why I made the choices that I had and I would have to give my lame reason.  I would admit that I was jittery and was in the mood to hike and run in circles, anything but sit still.

One should not alter their medication without the direction of their physician.  It’s not smart and there are consequences for such actions.  I pay good money to work with my doctor and my making changes willy nilly thwarts the progress that I have made.  When will I be able to succumb to this monster demon called body image acceptance?  Why can’t I have my proverbial cake and eat it too, a weight I deem acceptable and mental stability?

I see my doctor on Tuesday and I will be honest about what choices I have made and I will deal with the consequences.  Managing mental health is a journey and there will be ups and there will be downs.  I am on board for the ride, just struggling to keep my hands and feet inside the car at all times.

2 thoughts on “Spring Break: Girls Gone Wild”

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