Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

The Unquiet Mind

gong-meditation_grandeThis weekend I had the opportunity to attend a Gong Meditation at my local yoga studio.  I had never been to such a class, but was intrigued by the summary that was included on the email that I received:

“In this 75-minute meditation we will use sound to regenerate the neurons & their interconnections, create deep relaxation, clear the mind reduce stress related issues such as: depression, fatigue, anger, hostility, fear and loneliness, stimulate the glandular system to a higher level of functioning, & strengthen the immune system.”


So, I thought, “clearing the mind from depression, fatigue, anger, hostility, fear and loneliness” all while I am laying on a mat listening to a gong, this def sounds like something I need to attend!  I am all about getting additional benefits from doing simple exercises.

Upon arriving at the class, it was packed… the room is on the smaller size and there was about 30 people squeezed into the room.  I felt like one of many sardines trying to fit into their assigned space in the little tin can.  I knew no one and I was unsure if I was supposed to talk to my neighbors or just be quiet.  I was alone and felt alone.  I thought everyone was staring at me.  I thought that the room was closing in on me.  I wanted to grab my phone and text my partner to let him know what it was like.  Like a lifeline to someone I knew because if I could reach out then I would feel less awkward.  But no, I did no such thing.  I sat there, and I started to participate in deep breathing.

Not long after this little panic attack the session started and yup, we did more deep breathing.  Being in a room where all the occupants were participating in deep breathing was an amazing experience.  It sounded like hundred of bees buzzing.  The room started to warm up just based on the presence of so many people.  I began to calm down.

After the breathing exercises, the main event started.  I laid on my mat and struggled to get comfortable.  I ended up laying half on my stomach with my right side of my face to the ground in a sort of fetal position.  And the gong started…

The instructor started speaking in a different language.  I was at first taken aback as earlier in the month when I was manic, I heard the instructors speak in a different language, but it was a hallucination and not actually happening.  But I was for sure that this time the instructor was speaking in another language and this go around it did not make me paranoid, but relaxed.

With the gong started, I was scared.  It was a loud, heavy sound.  I felt it pressing me down into the floor.  I felt fear and anxiety and I wanted to leave.  I was completely overwhelmed by what was happening.  But, the rules of this studio are once you enter, you remain in the room.  So, I laid there.  With my eyes closed I saw the colors of white and black vibrating before my eyelids and they were clashing into each other in rhythm with the sounds of the gong.  I thought I was tripping out on some major psychedelic drugs!

After a few minutes, my mind decided that it was going to go into overdrive.  I was thinking about what my family might be doing, what was I going to make for dinner, did I do all my homework, is anyone looking at me while I am laying in this weird position.  I kept telling my brain to focus, and focus, to go back to the radiating colors of white and black, feel the emotions, feel the sounds, let my body release.  But it was a tremendous struggle.  It did not help that there was a person snoring a few mats over and that was totally distracting me.  I was deciding whether I should refer them to my sleep doctor, so they can get assistance with their obstructed sleep issues and potential sleep apnea.

I laid there thinking about the mindfulness class that I am scheduled to take in May and how am I going to be able to release my mind, so I can learn the techniques that are part of the cirriculum.  I was thinking why does my brain constantly have to go, go, go?  I also reverted to the Gretchen Rubin book, Better than Before, that I am reading about habits and breaking of habits.  I was thinking about which habits I want to break and how am I going to go about it and most importantly when?

Before I knew it, the class was over.

It was quite an experience, one that I am still mentally processing.  I am not sure what physical changes I experienced since taking the class, although I am not sure I feel better, I know I do not feel worse.  I plan to take the class again when offered next.  I hope that I will be able to disconnect and go to an emptier space in my head (if there is one) the next time that I attend a class.




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14 thoughts on “The Unquiet Mind”

  1. Gosh. Usually, I’m fairly sure that most places say if – at any point – you wish to leave quietly, you can. When I was in group therapy, mindfulness can be known to ‘bring up’ things for people (specifically for those with PTSD, for example). Well done for getting through it though! Like I said, I’m sure you’re well within your right to leave if it gets too much.


    1. I doubt that they would have tackled me and hog tied me, but I know for other classes I have taken there, they have asked that you stay. I feel good that I was able to work through the intense feelings and stick it out. But it was pretty intense and at first kind of scary 😮

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You did *really* well. Mindfulness can be rather unsettling, and I’m convinced it contributed to bring up some stuff for me. Just know that, if it does get too much, you can leave! 🙂


      2. thank you for the affirmations, I really appreciate that… I am quite interested to know how the mindfulness classes are going to affect me… i tried EMDR therapy and that was just too much for me when I did it in 2016, that we had to stop because it was bringing up too much and I couldn’t handle it. I guess I will just have to see how it goes 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve heard stories about EMDR. I know it can be very challenging indeed. Go at your own pace, and keep being kind to yourself 🙂 Really brave of you to give all of this stuff a go.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow that sounds like a great experience and go you for being brave enough to try something new! 😀 I’ve done some mindfulness on my own at home before but never in a group and I loved it and was also amazed at how the someone’s words can make you sink into the floor!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, that is exactly what I am hoping that I accomplished. There was so many aspects of the event that were new to me, I think that is what made it overwhelming… and the person snoring… that def was a distraction!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My good friend did something like this and said it did not work for her. Every time she reached a point in relaxation the gong sound broke her out of it. I had a panic attack during yoga nidra which I keep meaning to write about. It was 3 months ago and I’m still processing it. Who has a panic attack during yoga sleep?! Me.


    1. I think with everything, some things work for some people and for others it does not. I am sorry to hear about your experience. I am doing better with crowds, but I still focus too much on everything and am not able to totally relax. I also have been doing hot yoga and that is taxing on the body. Sunday nights I do the meditative/yin yoga and that for sure is my favorite. My teenage daughter likes to do the restorative yoga as it helps her to quiet (she has anxiety too). Don’t forget to be patient with yourself 🙂


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