I see my psychiatrist this afternoon after a month since my last appointment. I do not clearly remember the last time I was able to go an entire month without seeing my doctor. For the last two years, I have seen her more than I have seen my friends and family, nearly every one to two weeks. We have had to meet more regularly because the Bipolar was out of control and we were constantly modifying my medication to try and stop the swinging between depression and mania.
I spent the last fifteen (15) minutes writing a two-page document with updates about the last month. I do this every time I see her, so I can provide as much information as possible to her within the short 30 minutes that we have together.
The biggest point on my document for today is that I have achieved stability, and it’s been a very stable month for me. I have done as I have been told and taken my medication as prescribed, regardless of the weight gain that has been present since increasing a few medications about two months ago.
For the first time ever in my life, I have little to no anxiety. This is an amazing transition for me. From being in a place where I was having panic attacks daily while driving, to a place now where I am far calmer, is such an amazing blessing.
Other than suffering from a bit of lack of motivation, especially in the morning during the week, I have not noticed any signs of depression creeping in. I do not feel like I am mentally receiving “bad data” (or as my mum calls it, stinking thinking). I am not dreading to complete normal daily tasks like showering and making dinner.
When I am manic, I liken my state to that of a hummingbird. Constantly moving, never sitting still, flitting around like I must get where ever I need to go quickly. This has not been me. I am not engaging in manic behaviors such as acting in impulsive ways, spending money on things I do not need, and I am not lacking in sleep.
As mentioned a second ago, I am not lacking in sleep, nor am I oversleeping (except for the weekends when I thoroughly enjoy lounging in bed, being snuggled up in the blankets on my incredibly soft bed as I don’t have any place I need to be at any given time). On average, I am getting 7-10 hours of sleep, waking refreshed, and falling asleep at night without assistance.
Dun, dun dun… so I gained between five to ten pounds over the last two months. I am far less than thrilled with this change as I already weighed more than I had wanted to, so this is the preverbal icing on the cake. However, a friend of mine suggested that for each pound I gained I think about a positive thing I gained with that given pound. And I think this is a phenomenal idea. Overall with the weight I have gained, I have achieved stability, and that is a blessing in disguise. With one of the pounds, I gained relief from anxiety, another pound allowed me to be freed from depression, and that other one prevented me from sky rocketing into mania. I’d say my good, balanced sleep is probably worth two pounds in itself. I love her idea and will remind myself of these “gains” each time a crappy thought about weight gain pops into my head.
For now, my mood swings are in the rear-view mirror, and that is such an amazing accomplishment, as any person with Bipolar or any mental health condition can relate, that when you are in a good place you just want to cherish that time you are in this place, as it is not known how long it will last. As always, I will keep pressing on, perhaps skipping along in my cowboy boots and paisley dress, embracing everything that this given day has provided to me.