My last post was about all the things that I accomplished within a week or two period. There were cakes, birthdays and concerts, oh my! I was going from one thing to another, be bopping along, nearly constantly moving minus the times when I was zonked out taking a nap mid-day because my energizer battery stopped working. There was not time to write or blog because I was too busy being busy.
This week, school is back in session and life has slowed down. There have not been cakes this week, nor concerts. Nothing spectacular or out of this world amazing. Just normal routine, work, home, dinner, bed.
However, I will admit I am struggling with the basics. There have been several mornings where I did the “sniff test” to determine if I really needed to shower. I have been sleeping in more than hour later than I usually do. My desire to dress up and look all fancy Nancy, has been thrown out the windows and torn up jeans with boots has re-entered my atmosphere.
The question has risen in my mind, a few weeks back, was I manic? And am I currently in a depression cycle as result of being manic for a few weeks?
I did not have “humming bird” symptoms (that feeling inside my legs that make it impossible to sit still) which is a tell-tale sign of mania for me. I also was sleeping (have some issues now, which is a little odd). I did not do anything impulsive, had no desire to go on shopping sprees or dye my hair a new color to match my new zest for living. But, I was for sure far more energetic than I had been in the past.
And now, two weeks later, I am dragging butt in the morning, lacking desire to do anything. My brain is leaning more towards the negatives and long-lived anxieties have been kicked up and causing a muck in my head. I have no desire to be ambitious and performing normal tasks like going grocery shopping, making dinner and driving my car are seeming to be more of a challenge.
So, what’s a girl to do? I suppose that identifying this trend is the first thing that needs to be completed. Accepting that this is the nature of Bi polar disorder, even if it is a mild transition between poles, that yes this may have been a mixed episode for me. I see my psychiatrist the beginning of next week and plan to inform her of what has been transpiring over the last month or so and see what she suggests. I will also not get angry or frusturated. I will continue with my day to day activities, continue pressing on, making goals that I’d like to achieve each day and work to accomplish them. I will acknowledge that in the past, during this time of the year, I have also had upswings followed by downswings and with the assistance of my doctors I was able to fully stabilize. I will remind myself that this does not mean that I will never stabilize, to be honest I had a really great run for a bit and I can do it again. I will pick myself up by my bootstraps and I will continue to move forward.
No doubt, I will admit that it IS frusturating. That notion that having a few good days in a row could be something other than just a good streak, that it could be something more deep seeded.
Regardless, I will keep pressing forward, working to make progress each day, not beating myself up for what has happened and just making the best of what I have.