I sit in the front room of an empty office at the community table, alone. It was a collaboration day, some of my favorite work days. Gathering together with a group of insanely intelligent individuals to talk about our project and brainstorm.
However, today I struggled to focus. It was my vibrating hand. Shaking in a way that resembled what happens when my blood sugar drops, but alas it’s a side effect of the medication. That was along with the nausea that lasted much of the morning, again all thanks to the new doses of medication. I struggled as my brain did not allow me to concentrate. I was thinking about my car in the parking lot. The one where earlier this am I had forgotten to put the car in park and while in neutral I started to drift backwards without realizing that it was me moving and not the car next to me. I did put two and two together prior to hitting the car behind me. I pulled back into my parking space, put the car in park, made sure it was in gear and turned the car off. However, all day I was thinking, worrying to be exact, that was car was drifting in the parking lot and I’d find my car elsewhere in the lot upon my return to it this afternoon.
When I was not worried about my car, I was worrying over everything that came out of my mouth. Was it appropriate to the discussion, was I on point, how was it received? It was pure agony in my head. When I was attempting to work, I was struggling to send a single email. Is what I am sending accurate? Is it going to the correct person? Is the attachment the right attachment? It was absolutely debilitating.
All I could think of was how much I wanted to be at home. Home is my safe place. I also knew that I could take my anxiety medication. By taking the medication, I would get relief from all that was going through my head. Perhaps some quiet between my two lobes. Relief, that is what I desperately wanted and needed.
I sit here pondering: When will the medication kick in? In how many days will I start to get relief from this anxiety and paranoia? One day at a time I tell myself. I made it through today. I was up and at work on time (which is quite the accomplishment for me). I did complete the tasks that I needed to complete. I was engaging and I participated. It was a good day (minus everything that was going through my head). Tomorrow will be an even better day. And the day after that a step above the days earlier in the week. I will get through this, as challenging as it may be, I will persevere.