Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Cupcakes After Dark

in closeup photography of gray whisk
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

The room is dark.  The cat is in his place on the floor at the foot of the bed.  The sound machine fills the room with the sound of a glorious rain storm.  I face my partner and I mention that I was not tired.  I shared that I was thinking of all the things that I could be doing right now and that I had an exuberant amount of energy.  I started to list out what it was that I wanted to do and that included making cupcakes and painting.  It was just shy of 930 PM at night.  I wanted to jump on the bed like a child who is excited and has uncontrollable energy.  It was suggested that I listen to my meditations and that I could make cupcakes and paint over the weekend.  I put in my ear buds and used the Calm app (https://www.calm.com/) to listen to a sleep story.  I once was told that a person cannot stay awake while listening to one of sleep stories from the Calm App.  But surprise, surprise, this girl can!!

I feel that there is something that is surging through my veins.  I am trying to tell myself that it is nothing, that I am fine.  That I am just happy and I have high energy, but something tells me that this is something more, something deep rooted, something that is more severe.

I have been on the higher dose of the medication for the last week to bring me out of a manic episode.  The anxiety had been debilitating.  I did not realize the anxiety was a sign of mania.  It blows my mind that after receiving the diagnosis of Bipolar 1 two years ago, that the disorder and its symptoms still surprises me.  I have read books, numerous blogs and have been in consistent therapy and still stuff bubbles up and I’m like “whoa something is off” and come to find out it’s mania or even depression.

Currently, I very well could be having just a really fantabulous day, and that’s it, plain and simple.  Last night I may not have been tired as usual as I did spend the previous ninety minutes prior to bed finishing a book (The Girl Before by JP Delaney) and perhaps I was invigorated by the psycho-thriller and therefore not ready for bed?  But then, on the flip side, one needs to wonder if the medication is bringing me down as it should.  The anti-anxiety medication has helped with the anxiety, but the hummingbird is still there.  The “I need to move, I need to do things, I need to create!”

I go back to the doctor the end of next week.  I will be quite interested to see how much I have progressed at that point.  I was told that I should see a change within a week, but as we know, it can take longer for the full effects of the dosage changes to kick in and for us to see the difference.  I don’t want to be on a higher dose of the medication, nor do I want to be on a different medication, but I will have to wait and see what the verdict is and what we are going to do about it.

Until that point, I plan to make cupcakes this weekend, do some painting, and perhaps, just maybe, do some cleaning (insert gasp! Here).  And as each day comes and goes, I will make the best of each and every day, focus on the positives and enjoy as much of each moment as I can.

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