I leave the psychiatrist office and tears are streaming down my face, again.
I have numerous mixed emotions. Frustration, defeat, sadness, anger… and the good ole “why is this happening to me?” running through my mind…
I am well into a full month of a mixed episode, and the changes we have made to my medication (as well as life style changes) have only assisted in making minimal improvements to my day to day life.
Two weeks ago we increased my mood stabilizer and added in a supplemental anti-anxiety medication to help control break through anxiety. I also eliminated alcohol and reduced my caffeine intake. On a more natural approach, I started working out at the gym again (honestly, going to the gym was fueled by the fear of gaining weight due to the increase in medication and my trying to be proactive and preventative with the aspect of weight gain and weight maintenance). And with all the changes, I am still having debilitating anxiety that is affecting my day to day life and interfering with my job and home life. My sleep has been disturbed due to the “hummingbird” feeling (that feeling like I need to move, move, move) and the impulses to do all things creative, usually starting at 9 PM at night.
Today’s psych appointment was a check in and sadly, I did not have much good news to report. I did report that I was being compliant. Which is a huge part of managing and maintaining mental illness. I explained that events that have happened over the two weeks and before I knew it I was crying uncontrollably. Overwhelmed with emotion, the tears just streamed down my face. What are normal aspects of parenting and being a human in today’s society have rocked my socks and left me running for the hills (a.k.a. my bedroom to hide under the covers). I expressed how I was tired of being unstable and I was losing patience.
I sit and ponder what brought on this mixed episode. Was it the change in the season, the change from spring to summer? Could being in school and working nearly full time be the reason why I imploded (too much stress)? As much as I love making and creating custom cakes, was it too much for me, and the lack of sleep and stress associated with the orders do me in? And then the big culprit, hormones. I received a reup of testosterone a little bit more than a month ago and could that small in office procedure have caused this ripple in the water effect?
After sending my partner a short and concise text with and update, the only thing that I could think to do was to call my mom. She instantly picked up even though she was in the middle of an appointment herself. I babbled and bubbled and poured tears as I tried to explain to her what the new game plan was and what happened during my morning appointment. She patiently listened, although I am uncertain she could understand what I was saying through the tears that were streaming down my face and the rapid-fire words that were coming out of my mouth. Once I settled, she reassured me that I would be ok. She reminded me that my struggles have helped and continue to help others. That my sharing of what I am going through helps other people feel not so alone. That my being raw and honest speaks to people and it is a gift. I heard every word that she spoke and I listened. That’s a big thing, when we get upset at times it is hard to hear exactly what the other person is saying, we hear what we think they may say, but not actually what they are saying. She also told me that God chose each and every chromosome that I was supposed to have. Her words reminded me of the verse that she has spoken to me in the past, something to the effect of “Beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made”… My mom knows what to tell me to calm me down and help me think thing through in a more rational grounded way. I am not certain what I would do without her.
Effective tonight, we will increase the mood stabilizer, increase the frequency of the fast acting anti anxiety medication and reduce the anti depressant. We will continue to work through mindfulness training, and going to the gym to try and proactively prevent weight gain, but also because it is good for the body, mind and soul.
I will persevere. Bottom line that is what this all boils down to, persevering. I will continue to press on, pull myself up by my bootstraps and march on. To get up each day, pick out an adorable outfit, accessorize, do my hair and put a smile on my face. While inside I am telling myself that I can do it, I can make it through the day, I can battle these thoughts, I can win. I may cry along the way and that is perfectly ok, but I won’t give up. I never have and don’t ever plan on it.