Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

One Pill, Two Pill, Red Pill, Zombie

zombie-woman-costumeI stare at the computer screen.

My mind is blank.

The lack of racing thoughts is a delight, quite a nice little present, given to me in a pink polka dotted wrapped box with a coordinating bow.

This is what we were going for, right?  To have the anxiety, racing irrational thoughts, and paranoia to stop?  It’s quite a blessing that there is medication on the market that allows this to happen.  I count myself blessed to be the recipient of this medication and the fact that it IS working.

With all that being said, when you have taken your medication as newly prescribed and you are using all your will to remain upright and focus, it seems more like a curse than a blessing.

Today, I have been working hard, like more intensely than I have in a VERY long time, to function.  The effort I have applied to hide that fact that I feel like I am a stoned zombie has been a theatrical performance.  To my co-workers I suspect that they are assuming that I am working very hard on a time sensitive project that is taking all my attention.  In reality, I am just trying to put two thoughts together in this head of mine.  As I stare, I am willing my brain to operate, but it’s like banging two cement blocks together, there is no give.  I blink my eyes, take a deep breath and try again.

I have let my manager know that I did indeed start new medication and that I am a bit hungover today from the medication and not operating at my fullest, nor my best capacity.  I asked that there be patience and understanding shown towards me today as I am working hard to be as effective as possible but am really struggling due to the side effects of the medications.  My request was granted.

In no way am I ignoring how I feel, but I am trying to OVERCOME the way I feel.  Due to being at work, I am not able to be home in my bed right now, which is where I really want to be.  I will be able to go home and rest once I get home AFTER the work day is complete.  Leaving work early is not an option today, because I CAN make it through the day.  I WILL work very hard to be as productive as possible, even if I must triple check everything that I work on to ensure that it is accurate.  I WILL ask questions that may seem like “dumb questions” so I am able to grasp my struggling brain around understanding the concept that is being discussed.

My goal today has been to function normally,  as in my baseline for performance.  This would include being engaged both with my work and my co-workers, accomplishing tasks with a preciseness, precision and being proactive.

Although I feel like a total zombie, I feel like I have been successful.  And you know what, I am pretty darn proud of myself for pushing through a really challenging day and making it out to be as best as it can be.

There will be good days, there will be bad days, there will be in between days.  But, it’s all about how we deal with them and how we focus our attention.  For me, setting goals is incredibly helpful.  When I set a goal, I hate to not accomplish it, so it helps me get done what I need to get done, in a way by tricking myself.  But hey, it works?!?  I am relieved that it is Friday and I do not have much planned for the weekend, so I can spend time on self-care and allowing my body to rest and heal.

Happy Weekend to you and yours, ~Bella

6 thoughts on “One Pill, Two Pill, Red Pill, Zombie”

  1. You’re doing an awesome job with the challenges you’ve been dealt. Keep your chin up and stay positive. Better days are always around the bend

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  2. I’ve been there, when I started the fibro meds, I had trouble forming sentences. I wanted to stop the meds because I hated the way it made me feel- but you and Dad said, “Give it a week or two, it will get better!” You we’re both right- it did, and it will for you too my Beautiful ‘Lil Roo! Love you!!

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    1. You are right, that was the exact advice that I gave to you. I insisted that you stick it out and bear with the side effects that you were feeling. And much like you found, a few days later, you do start feeling better, like I am feeling more human as each day has passed. Thank you for your support, both in life and with my blog, I really appreciate it.

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