Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Not Getting What I Want

a4eb91a84b7dc8f2956d14c95c129106.jpgWhile surfing through the many, many, many pages of Pinterest I came across this quote from the Dalai Lama.

“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”

I stopped scrolling.  I just stared at the screen and then my chin fell off my hand and I had to catch my head before it fell towards my keyboard.  This was a profound saying.

Since I was young, like eight, I had told my mom that I would have a briefcase and a suit with a skirt.  I would be a business lady.  I envisioned that I would have a high-level job, a corner office with a view and an assistant.  I had no clue what I was going to do, in what field or in what position, but I would be important and I would be a business lady.

For me, when I put my mind towards something, it takes an act of God to deter me away from what I want.  So, I ended up working as an executive assistant, then in operations, and bounced back and forth between the two, using my skills from each position to greater enhance my capabilities in the other role.  I was traveling state to state between service centers, training and even moved across the country as part of my growing and blossoming career.

Life was amazing.  I was always put together, hair in place, nails done and dressed to the nine.  I was successful in my work world, more successful than I ever thought I would be.  I was an ok person outside of work.  Bossy, grouchy, and wee bit witchy, but my friends and family did all they could to put up with my antics and love me regardless of my moodiness and how I lashed out at them and prioritized my job over their existence.

So then this crazy thing happened and I lost it all.  Within a year I lost my mentor to cancer, I put my job in jeopardy, had a hysterectomy and then I lost my mind.  I had just succeeded in getting my own office and had my own assistant, and then it all went away.  I mourned so very much for so very long.  I was in tears more often then my eyes were dry.  Sadness, regret, longing all filled my head and heart.

But, today, I have stability.  I have an incredible job that is flexible.  I am in a position where I can take care of my mental health and my family, in a physical and monetary sense.  I have an amazing working relationship with my boss and I consider my co-workers as my friends.  I am able to be home in the afternoon with my kids, and am able to have a slow paced morning enjoying my morning coffee without having to rush.

I did not get the corner office with the view.  And I doubt I ever will.  But, what I have been given as a result of not getting what I thought I wanted has been a gift that keeps on giving.  I highly doubt that I would be where I am currently considering my mental health, had it not been for the change I experienced and all the loss that I went through a few years back.  Now, I can look back and see how grateful I am for what I have and for not having what I thought I wanted all those years before.

2 thoughts on “Not Getting What I Want”

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