While reading my babbles from years prior, and well before I ever thought about having a blog, I came across a letter that I wrote to my mom in March 2009. In the letter I babble about how I am thankful for my mother and her unconditional love for me.
Within the letter I described the way that I used to be.
An excerpt from the letter states:
[Thank you] For accepting my for the all over the place, sometimes overly happy, sometimes crying until my nose is bright red, the random, tattooed and pierced, never know what you are going to expect, crazy, the “not sure how she made it so long still breathing”, the “OMG did she really just say that”, the, “I’m going to laugh because I am really not sure how to respond to her quirkiness” me.
I further go on to say:
“Thank you for being part of my life and sharing in all of my mood swings and crazy things that I seem to seek out in my life”.
There is no question that this is an accurate description of the way that I used to be. Either totally fine and way upbeat or hysterical and unable to function. When I was up, I was shopping and spending large sums of money, not limited to my hair, makeup, nails and alcohol. I was out of control. But gosh, don’t try to tell me that at any point and time because I would have exploded (which I did often). And you know it is hard to look back at this because all I can see is how symptomatic Bi Polar I was back then, but I had no clue that there was something more serious going on. I thought I was just living up my 20s and maybe begrudgingly admitting that I was a little bit moody.
Today I feel like I need to write my mom another thank you note, an updated one.
But in the new note I would thank her for letting me know when she senses that I am manic or depressed. I would mention how much the multiple cross-country trips she has made to be by my side when I have been at my worst or having surgery have meant more to me than words can possibly begin to express. The fact that she sacrificed weeks out of her life to help run my household, so I could recover, how is Thank You anywhere close to saying what needs to be said for that kind of a sacrifice?
I would thank her for showing me how to be a great mom. How balance, routine and consistency are not just important for me but for my family as well. And for when I start to romanticize about that past, how she gently reminds me that how I remember the past is not the way that others saw it, that now everything is so much better. The reminders that I am beautiful regardless of my weight. And that mental stability is of more value than a number on the scale or size of my jeans.
I would share that I feel like when I have a victory within my life I feel like she is always there cheering me on and celebrating with me even though she is on the other side of the country. That I miss her so much and kick myself for the way I treated her in the past. I’d let her know that I love her and feel incredibly blessed that she is my mama.