It was a busy weekend.
Gluten Free Sugar Cookies and Gluten Free Vanilla Cupcakes frosted and topped with fresh sugared blueberries were made. A happy thoughts jar (a jar that contains positive thoughts, hopes and affirmations) was completed with mod podge decorative paper and I was quite thrilled with this first-time crafting project that I took on out of boredom. I managed to also run errands that included returning a kayak car topper to the dealership (I bought the wrong one, go figure) and took a box of newly purchased textbooks to the post office to return for a refund as I have decided that I will not return to college this semester. It’s just too soon to add on such a big burden on a newly stable mind. I have decided that I will start back in January 2019. Yes this puts me farther behind in graduating, but I must think about what is best for my health, both mental and physical, and having six months of stability compared to three weeks sounds far more rational to me. A yoga session as well as floor exercises rounded out my Saturday afternoon. A trip to the grocery store allowed me to make yummy carne asada tacos for my main squeeze and myself. It was paired with a nice red blend and I was in heaven; steak and some red wine makes this one happy girl.
As I am recounting my weekend with a close friend, they shared their concern that my weekend sounded a little “manicy”. And you know, I can totally see how they came to that conclusion. I did quite a bit in a short amount of time and in the past that has been a result of being in the manic stage of the bi polar. However, this go around, I was just active, but calm and centered. I did not have and still do not have, the feelings of butterflies fluttering inside my legs. I have a calm and quite mind. There are no racing thoughts and grandiose thinking going on up there. Just the need to do something with my time as I was spending Saturday with myself and I tend to be harder to entertain than a three-year-old child.
I reassured my friend that I was not manic, but a little heightened and that we were watching it. I will admit that I am afraid of the shoe dropping and the mania returning as we have had such a challenging time keeping it under control this summer. As I have started back on my hormones (we switched from pellets to a cream-based application, as the pellets were causing mania post implantation, and then falling to a depression at the end of the course). Having the hormone cream in place has made my life so much better in many capacities. I am sleeping more soundly, I have an improved mood that is far more pleasant and cheery than before. Plus, the mania has lifted. However, hormones can cause a spike in a person with Bi Polar, so I wake up each day wondering, “Is today the day when we spike?” I usually take that thought, think it, then pass it to the way side because I cannot allow myself to live in constant fear of what each day will bring. I will embrace whatever the day brings me, and I will have peace knowing that it is temporary and therefore may change without a moment’s notice.
One of the favorite parts of my day on Saturday was laying on my bed with my little baby Roo (my 20-pound Tabby Cat named Hunter) curled up beside me. I laid there focusing on my breath completing mindfulness exercises while he rested his head on my hand and he fell asleep. Had I been manic, this laying still, with no music playing, no TV on, no outside stimuli occurring, could not have taken place and I would have missed out on the tranquility that came in that moment. My Roo is my baby, as I have no babies of my own. I am his Mama and he is my Roo. He follows me nearly everywhere I go, and I love his love.
This weekend I took time to pay respect to the life that I have been given. The big parts of it and the small aspects. I consider myself to be incredibly blessed with my life and the people who are in it, especially for the friends and family that love me enough to question me about the status of my mental health. I know they are reaching out in the act of love and caring.
May your day be blessed, and may you too take the time to spend time being thankful for where you are in your life.