It’s been sneaking up, slow and steady like a mouse strategically hunting for a piece of cheese. Or a predator going after a fast-moving prey. But before I knew it, I was overcome by the gloom. Although fighting it hard, at this point, I have little to no fight left in me. The weight and heaviness prevent me from functioning as I normally do, in a swift and efficient fashion. It seems that everything is running in slow motion. One minute at a time, slowly comes the second minute and the third. All the while, all I can focus on is wanting to be in my big, soft, warm bed, sleeping the day away.
It’s as if I am wearing glasses but not rose-colored glasses, they are ones with dark lenses, more like sunglasses. You know, it is hard to see the brightly shining sun when your lenses are dark and dingy.
I open my eyes wide and everything seems down and out. I question what value I hold, where am I excelling, how am I succeeding, and I fear that right now I feel that I fall short in all categories. The self-talk is filtered through negativity and disgust and the result is murky, dirty water.
The need to be combative and argue is hard to resist. The thoughts in my head are negative and accusatory. I struggle to keep the battle in my head and all the while sharp, spear headed words and harsh tones escape my mouth. It is nearly an out of body experience, as it feels like I am watching it from afar or overhead.
I hope that the end of this depressive episode is near, in that I see my doctor tomorrow and will request, or more like demand, a change in medication to help lift this despair that has blanketed my world for the last few weeks. I plan to speak about how the last two weeks have continuously become harder and harder to make it through each day and how functioning within normal bandwidth has been fleeting. I pray that relief will come, and it will come quickly. That the dark colored glasses will be taken from me and shattered.
For I want to press on towards the goal that is heavenward, the promise that only good and no harm will come of me and mine. That I know deep in my heart I am beautifully and wonderfully made even though at this point and time I am incapable of seeing this tried and true fact. This too shall pass.