Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

Blank Pages

I sit and stare at a blank page. Thoughts dash through my head, darting left and right, up and down. With all that’s going through my head one would think that I would be more than capable of transposing the combination of letters into sentences down on paper. But alas, the page is blank.

I sit staring at the blank page willing the words to fall out of my brain, to land on the paper, to rearrange themselves into something that another human being can translate, but when the words don’t come what do you do?

I sit and think. Think, think, think… like Winnie the Pooh often did. One arm across my chest, one put to my head applying my fingers in a tapping motion over my brow. Think, think, think Bella!

My emotions build. What am I sensing. Frustration, anger, sadness. Yet, it feels as if I feel nothing. Like I a numb, void of emotion. I try, oh do I try to cry. I long to let out all that’s trapped within me, but alas, I shed a single tear. Is this what is called strength? Or is this my medication at work? Where is this void of emotion coming from?

I remind myself that things are temporary. That medication changes take time. That side effects will fade. That peace and joy, happiness and glee will return. I know that going through the tough times will only make me stronger. That persevering is what I have to do. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps is my only option. Wearing my boots and prodding on through each day, knowing and willing that each future day will be better, even if it’s just a marginal improvement.

I will press on, I will persevere, I will be victorious.

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