I sat on the couch and I looked at the chair. Sitting on the chair was an enemy of mine. I refused to make eye contact. I just could not look that way. I was told to address this enemy, speak to it, interpret what is being said, let it soak in.
In all actuality I was sitting on the grey couch in my therapist’s office and I was looking at an empty chair that sat adjacent to me. In this chair I was told to picture Guilt sitting there. And I was asked to speak out loud what Guilt was saying to me within my head.
It was an unusual activity, I have never been asked to speak to a non-existent emotion before, but I did what I was asked as kooky as it sounded. As I started speaking, sentences started to trickle out of my mouth. Before long, words were running from my mouth and my therapist was having trouble penning all of what was being spoken. It was at this point that I was made aware that I was in deep, in deep with something that I wasn’t even aware had a hold of me.
It was brought to my attention today how guilt has creeped into my world and has been slowly strangling me. Tightening it’s grasp centimeter by centimeter as each day has gone by. That it’s almost become a part of me, incapable of separating myself from it as we are intertwined.
So what is guilt? A definition, from the Cambridge dictionary, states that guilt is a feeling of anxiety or unhappiness that you have done something immoral or wrong, such as causing harm to another person.
I deal with the feelings of guilt every day. In my head I am told how I am not doing things well enough, being made to feel horrible for not doing them better. That I should be doing more at work and I should be a better house keeper, mother and partner… Lots of “shoulds” that channel between my ears, said in my own voice. As the day progresses I feel more and more worn down, more and more worthless, bruised and bloodied from the beating that I have endured all day long.
Today in therapy was the first day working through the guilt, challenging the thoughts and processing the reality of the situations. I have several worksheets to fill out, and it will take time and energy, but it is the first step to breaking away from this bond, that blasted suffocated growth that has been sucking the life out of me.
There are some changes, or slight modifications that I need to make and with that I will be in a better place to really work through detaching myself from this monster that is defined as guilt. There is much on the horizons for me, and relinquishing some of these negative emotions will be most beneficial, hard as hell, but worth the fight that is likely to ensue.
Photo Credit: https://www.thefix.com/guilt