Numerous times, I have sat at my computer over the last month to write. I started with a few words on the page, but ended up with a pretty much blank page. It has been frustrating that words have been escaping me over the last month or so. In the past, words have come so easily, and many times they poured out of me, but as of late, no words have been flowing, the stream has dried and I am not sure when it will be a babbling brook again.
But, much has happened over the last month.
I have been working on maintaining my mental health stability. This has been a success. We were able to modify the dosing of my medications and found a very happy median. One where we decreased a few medications and increased one, so a few steps forward, one step backwards I suppose, but it has me in a very good, stable, healthy place.
On top of this stability, I was able to embark on a trip to a treatment facility/retreat where I worked on trauma. It was intense (mentally and emotionally) and I was away from home, alone with strangers (first time in many, many years), but now that it has passed, I view it as an incredible opportunity and I was able to get an immense amount out of the experience. I am beyond thankful that I was able to afford to go as well as be afforded the time off for a week (post return, I was incredibly exhausted upon returning home which lasted for nearly a full week).
After meeting with my doctors upon my return from treatment, we came up with an action plan and how we would continue the work that I started while in treatment. As I am in my second week being home, we have continued to work through some of what I started, but also working through managing the many pots that I have on my stove (a metaphor my doctor and I use to describe all that I have on my “plate” as at times things boil, at least it happens quite often in my house due to my amazing cooking skills).
Today while in therapy, I shared that I was doing well and that the small, yet loud voice in my head has been chatting with me and encouraging me to ask for a medication reduction (just one of my medications, just by a mere 150 mg, you know not a big thing…). All the while, my mind is suggesting that I also re-enroll in school, at the same time increasing the hours I work each week to full time status, beginning an exercise regime (when will I ever get around to this) and what else did I have on the list? … This is what seems to happen when I get in a good place and then I begin to think that I am able, capable and willing to take on the world as if I was the living and breathing Wonder Woman. By sharing this data with my doctor (and my spouse) I am allowing my support system to know what is going on in my head and therefore they will be better able to support me (and help me to help myself from derailing).
I sure do hope that as each day passes over the next few days and weeks that I will have more to say and share and write.
I also hope that the remainder of your week is full of blessings and wellness.