Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized

Tick Tock…

black and white photo of clocks
Photo by Andrey Grushnikov on Pexels.com

Tick tock goes the clock.  One second at a time passes.  Sixty seconds turns into one minute.  Sixty minutes into one hour.  And so on and so on.  It takes one event to take place before the other can happen.  And it all takes, get this, time.

Today I am reminded, oh so reminded, about time, and about how at times, it goes by so incredibly slow.  It IS the holiday season, and we are anxiously awaiting the big day, that 25th of December when we all clamber out of bed and with sleep filled eyes take in the sight of a magical tree that is crowded with multicolored wrapped presents all glistening from the lights that adorn the tree.  The excitement has been building wondering what our loved ones purchased us.  What surprises are waiting for us in those odd shaped boxes and bags.  Did we get what we asked for?  Did Santa deem our behavior good enough to fall on the nice list, or did we happen on the naughty list yet again this year?

For me, along with the excitement of Christmas, I started a new medication to assist with the OCD anxiety that I have been suffering with.  I am watching the clock on the wall tick by anxiously waiting for the medication to kick in and for the benefits to seep into my brain and restore some peace and calm to my brain.  To get relief from the thoughts that are caught in endless loop in my head is what I am asking Santa for Christmas.  I know that the medication is starting to work, not because I am having a decrease in symptoms but because I am having an increase in side effects.  After my morning coffee, I was nauseous, and I am on day four of sleepless nights, another indicator that the medication is in my system.  I know that the side effects will subside, in time, in time.

I too am reminded about how things take time as I am working to pay off my debts.  Much like gaining weight, which is an easy thing to do, gaining debt is easy and fun.  But shedding the pounds of debt gained is hard, much like losing actual weight.  And at times there are ways that seem to be quick fixes to eliminating debt, but it never stays off for the long run.  This go around (go around 2,396, perhaps a slight exaggeration, but that’s what it feels like) I am going slow and steady and making one payment at a time.  Each month I am watching the numbers decrease and as the numbers reach zero I am closing credit accounts.  This month I have closed five accounts, with a sixth to be closed this week.  I am struggling, but I know I am doing the right thing.  The fact that the struggle is hard as hell, tells me that I am doing what is right, and I will be stronger as result of going through this process.

So, I sit and I wait.  I write a blog and I wait for it to post.  I send an email and I wait for a response.  I post a payment and I wait for it to clear.  I put in a load of wash and wait for it to be clean. I get on the road, sit in traffic, and wait to get home to the family that I love and adore.

This holiday season I am asking to receive peace and joy in the waiting.  For the uneasiness and restlessness of my spirit to be lifted as I work to conquer my fears and the obstacles that I have allowed to hold me hostage for so very many years.  Much like yesterday, today I am in boots, but today they are black boots, and I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and I will put one foot in front of the other and I will press on.

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