Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Beginning to Unravel

gray yarn ball
Photo by Steve Johnson on

I sat on her couch and looked at her.

I rambled through what had happened over the last week rapidly.  I wanted to get through all the mistakes I had made over the last week.

I am a prideful person.  I take pride in being self sufficient and being able to stand on my own two feet and holding myself up and doing what I need to do to make it through the yuck and the muck by myself.  I make it, but it is not always pretty, but may I remind you, I make it.  For example, when I lived alone, I did not ask for help to hang the curtains.  And therefore they were crooked and it bothered me that they were in deed crooked, but not as much as it would have bothered me to know that I had to ask for help.  To see that they were crooked reminded me that I did it, by myself and this made me smile, a crooked little half smile, but a smile in the least.

So, it was a big deal when I was sitting on her couch and I was blubbering on and I stopped and took a breath and I said, “I need help!”

She looked at me and asked quite politely, “with what?”  And I used my hands to show the area in front of me and said, “all of this…”

Needless to say I am overwhelmed.  There is a lot going on in many different areas of my life.  And it is the holiday season and well, stress is kind of a given.

I went through treatment just last month and in addition have decided to work on conquering my shopping addiction during this most wonderful time of the year and it is quite frankly kicking my ass HARD.  Throw in a change in medication and dealing with some pretty unsightly side effects from said medication and I can’t even get solace in sleep these days so I am not miserable, but I am not loving life either, to be frank.

During my appointment, my therapist and I worked through techniques that I can use to help me when I find myself in a place where I am struggling.

A big winner is an easy one: cold water on my hands and my face… this is like a shock to the system and snaps me out of where ever I was and brings me back to reality.

Some others included stepping outside of the situation and leaving the room and if possible stepping outside to get a breath of fresh air.

Should I have the time, taking a walk around the block and if the stars are aligned just so, a hike would be ideal.

Identifying five items in the room in a way of grounding myself and using my five senses while focusing on my breathing, especially the exhaling part were all items that made “the list”.

I felt better after leaving her office yesterday.  I was actually in quite a decent mood when I left.  I felt encouraged and felt like I was armed and ready to take on whatever may have come across my path.  For instance, today I faced a dying car battery which was a shock as my car is still pretty new.  But, since I noticed it before it was a dire emergency and I was stranded, it was not a big deal and I had it replaced during my lunch break and was NOT left stranded on the side of the road.  I made each one of my appointments today and was safe with my travels.

Although I feel like I am slowly being unraveled like a kitten playing with a ball of string, I am working hard to not allow that to actually happen.  I am using mind over matter to speak positives into existence and work through what is actually happening and not fall prey to the anticipatory anxiety that usually trips me up.

I send blessings your way as I am not certain if this will be my last entry before the holiday day falls.  I send positive love,  light and vibes your way.

2 thoughts on “Beginning to Unravel”

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