Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

A Reflection from Today

There are days where I just want to be in bed.

To hide under my covers.

The act of being hidden, to be unseen, to disappear, that is all that my brain can concentrate on.

And on nearly all occasions when I feel this way, I am in no way, whatsoever, able to do what I want to so desperately do.  I am far from my bed and there is no time to lay and rest.

My bed, it’s my safe place.  It is where I seek refuge.  It is where I find solace.  It is where I can disappear.

When the day turns ugly, and grey, it is where I want to be.

On the days I want to cry, it’s where I want to hide.

The days when I am so sad, I can’t even think about moving, it is the place that makes me feel safe.

 

Today was one of “those” days.  And much like many of “those” days that I have experienced in the past, today I had no choice but to power through.  To go from home, to a doctor appointment, to work, and then actually to the gym.  I made commitments and I was determined that I was going to be accountable, to follow through and do what I said I would do.  While I was performing the tasks of the day, I was listening to the radio.  Songs were coming on and off the radio and I was on the brink of tears all day, but not once did I break down.  I just kept on going.

The amount of self-talk that was performed today was monumental.  And you know, I am quite proud of myself for all of the quiet, very hard work that I was performed.

All day I was quite frustrated.  I felt I could I get a few steps ahead only to get set behind.  And i thought, why does this keep happening?  And why oh why oh why me?  When do I get a break?  When does life get simple for me?  And then I told myself that the pity party had to stop, and I had to keep on going.  That there was not time to have such thinking and it was time to pull myself up from my bootstraps and press on.

There will be tough days.  There will be days when you want to give in and give up.  But you end up gaining the most strength on those very days when you don’t give in nor do you give up.  You press on.  You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that through the process there will be some cha chaing (a few steps forward and a few steps backward) but life is a dance.  So make it the best dance that you can.

I am exhausted.  Mentally and physically.  I will rise in the morning and it will be a brand-new day.  A new day of strength and a new day of challenges.  But I am a warrior and I will be able to preserve through all that may wander onto my path.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s