Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Accidentally Feeling Better

photo of woman looking at the mirror
Photo by bruce mars on

Last night I faced a problem.  I did not have enough 25 mg tablets to total the 50mg that I needed to make the prescription that was prescribed by my doctor of Topamax.  However, I had a 100mg tablet.  Now, a rational, logical person would say, just cut the 100mg tablet in half, problem solved.  But, alas, I am not always the most logical person.  I also hate, hate, hate, cutting pills in half.  It’s the cutting part, and the other side of the pill shooting across the counter part or my luck falling to the ground part, and there’s the residue on the counter part, and yeah, I am SOOO not a fan.  So me, in my infinite wisdom, took the 100mg tablet.  **Note: Please only follow what your doctor says and take ONLY what your doctor says to take of your prescribed medication.  One should not monkey with their medication. **

When I saw my doctor today, I confessed my sins, and I was honest.  I also shared that today was the first day over the last two weeks where I did not feel like a brain eating, living my life only at night, walking with a limp zombie.  That although I still feel muted, that everything did not feel so incredibly dull and that today, yes today, I could chuckle, not a full laugh, but I could chuckle, and that was a big improvement.  I inquired if we could make the change to 100mg of the Topamax as a more long-term adjustment and see if perhaps it will continue to assist to help push the depression away.  And, not much to my surprise, because I feel like I provided good evidence for my argument, she said yes.

I am still exhausted.  It was a challenging sort of a week, but I feel empowered and I have a bit of hope that each day I will begin to progress to a more sunshiny state.  I also plan to incorporate the use of a light therapy box within the next week in the mornings when I am sitting at my breakfast table having my coffee and talking with my cats.  I am hoping to go to the gym two to three times a week.  In no way do I plan to pump massive amount of iron or go on an amazing aerobic fitness workout, but just the fact that I am going to the gym, stepping foot in the facility, and utilizing the equipment for 20-30 minutes feels like a success to me.  I was asked to monitor my sleep and work to achieve an average of 8-9 hours.  I am prone to sleep closer to 10-11 hours and she feels that this may be too much, and I need to scale it back.

Hearing this whole thing about cutting back on my sleep felt like having my left ear ripped from the side of my face.  I felt like I was Van Gogh and I was being asked to send something to my lover.  I absolutely love to sleep, especially now that I my amazing weighted blanket, and to have to limit the amount of time that I spend in my place of sanctuary was heartbreaking.  Alas, as painful as this may be, my overall health is what is most important, and I will do what I am asked.  I have hope that these small changes will help glide me into a more positive, shining, bright and magnificent place.

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