When I open my Facebook account, it asks me, What’s on your mind Michelle? It’s a standard question, I am not sure how many people actually pay attention to it, but today, I did and today, it made me think. What IS on my mind today?
So I sat while I was “watching” the football game, which means I was staring at the TV thinking, about what was on my mind. And I felt like Pooh Bear when he sits, with his hand to his head and goes, “think, think, think…
The first thing that comes to mind is that I want to move. I want to do something. However, there is an extensive list of what I do not want to do. I do not want to clean. I do not like to clean, no sure, no Sam am I, not with a cat in a box, or a rat in a tree, I do not like to clean. It WOULD be productive, and it would be beneficial, it would take a big to do item off the to do list but no sir, I do not want to.
I DID put my clothes away after several weeks of the clean clothes sitting, harmlessly I may add, in a basket. But I DID leave some clothes on the top of my dresser, because I am just not mentally capable of putting ALL my clothes away as this may break me. I say this with sarcasm, but I am somewhat serious as when things are all clean and tidy, I start to kind of hyperventilate a little bit. For some reason when everything is in its place, I freak out a little bit on the inside. It’s like I need a little bit of a mess to function. I am sure this is something that we can process through therapy, and I will add it to my list to talk over with my therapist when I see her on Tuesday.
I AM interested in going for a hike. I DID hike yesterday, and I was at the gym on Monday, Tuesday and Friday, but I am not being obsessive. I am simply trying to put my best foot forward and get in what I can when it comes to exercise and really trying to kick this depression out of the picture of my life. I am trying to function as if the depression was not present in my life, pressing on as if it was not present at all. I am also feeling some relief from the increase in the Topamax, even though it has only been a few days, and this is a welcome change after suffering for several weeks and I am eager to make up for lost time.
But who am I kidding? What I REALLY want to do is SHOP. It seems like EVERYWHERE is having a sale and I just MUST take advantage. I was looking through Pinterest and it seemed like every other post was an adorable outfit that I just needed to have. Now mind you when I was putting away my clothes there was no room in my closet for more clothes, nor is there room in my dresser, but that does not change the fact that I have this burning desire to shop. To go for the hunt. To see if I can find an adorable outfit for an amazing deal. Something new and sparkly not actually sparkly but sparkly in that it is new. Part of me wants to go to an actual store and the other part of me doesn’t want to leave my couch. The availability of online shopping makes shopping from the comforts of my home so incredibly accessible, however, from past experiences, I do not get the same “fix” from couch shopping as I do from being in the store and moving the hangers on the rack and the whole shopping in store experience.
So, Michelle, what’s on your mind? I am thinking that I must fight this temptation. Perhaps I should go through my closet and take a look at all the clothes that I actually have as I know that I have more than my mind can grasp. I should avoid the shopping mall because I want to be strong and I don’t want to give in to this temptation and I want to be strong. I know that I am having a lot of feelings come up because of having a lot on my plate right now, dealing with the depression, an upcoming birthday etc.… and I want to deal with these feelings in a healthy way and not take the easy way out. I will share with my spouse how I am feeling, and I will ask for his support and to help hold me accountable.
I will press on and will persevere. I will be strong and power through this trying time. When I make it to the other side, I will be stronger for having made it through this period of temptation.