Its day three of wearing a dress to work. Mind you I am wearing leggings with them, so it’s still quite comfy and I pair them with boots, so it’s not like I am all fancy with tights and stilettos or anything, but it’s still a dress.
Yesterday was my birthday, so I for sure dressed up, and put foundation on my face for no other reason than it was my birthday and I wanted to look fabulous on the day that we celebrate for the years ago that I made my debut on this here earth.
But, the other days, they were just normal days, and there were no meetings I had to attend, so no REAL reason for me to wear a dress. I mean I only have half a closet full of dresses, so that should be reason enough to wear a dress, but on most days, jeans win.
I have spent some time thinking about this whole dress wearing thing and asking myself, well, why. Why have I been putting extra effort in my appearance. Why have I been spending extra time getting ready, why have I been wearing nicer clothes? Why have I been doing my hair and wearing makeup? What’s going with me? So after much thinking, and pondering, I think I know the reason… brace yourself, this is a big one, are you ready, do you think you can handle it? Ok, here we go, the depression is lifting!!!
Since last Friday when the Topamax was increased to 100mg on a daily basis, I have been sleeping a more moderate amount. I have been obtaining about 9 hours of sleep, which for me is moderate and within the range that my doctor asked that I aim to achieve. I have been getting up prior to 7 AM most mornings and therefore have had more time in the morning as well as leaving “early” and getting to work “on-time” and overall feeling much less shame and guilt. Plus the additional time in the morning has allowed me to play dress up. It’s amazing what an additional 15 minutes can afford a person. In addition, I have had the energy to, keep my side of the sink from looking like a bomb has exploded, I send my mom a selfie nearly every day, I refill the cats water bowls with fresh water, provide them with fresh crunchies and check the mail. Although simple tasks, these were all activities that were just TOO much for me to do in the past.
I am also better able to think clearly. I am able to remember to pack a lunch and pull out meat from the freezer for dinner. I am motivated to be more productive at work (most days) and when I get home, I actually WANT to go to the gym to work out for 30 minutes (I keep it simple and just use the elliptical, but something is better than nothing). On the weekends instead of sleeping I WANT to be out hiking and in the fresh air. I am still struggling with feeling overwhelmed when it comes to doing housework. I am lacking motivation and desire, but I am working on ways to make it less overwhelming and to break it down into bite size pieces, so it is easier to process and accomplish.
I am excited to be in a better place, but I admit I am a little scared. There’s this little piece in the back of my head that is whispering “it’s going to all be taken away, just wait!” I keep telling it to Sssshh! And I keep mentally hitting override, because you know what, I am enjoying this new-found freedom. It feels good to feel good, gosh darnnit!
So, I plan to hold tight to what I have now and make the best of it, as I know that it may go in time, or tomorrow, but I am going to enjoy it while I have it.