Much is on my mind today and I am struggling with narrowing my writing to just one topic. After much thinking, and pondering, I will touch on a few topics, in a babbling type fashion, due to my inability to settle on just one thought.
I have been obsessed with losing weight since I started gaining weight nearly three years ago after the Bi Polar diagnosis and related weight gain due to prescribed medication and the related side effects. At this point my entire closet has transformed from a size small/medium into a size large closet. I am proud to share that I am beginning to love what comprises my closet. Just this week, it dawned on me that should I lose weight, I will also lose what makes up my closet. I have gone through weight loss and gain several times in the past and each and every time I buy all new clothes and get rid of the old ones, only to end up gaining the weight back and going through the cycle over and over again. In essence I am throwing money away, each and every time. Perhaps, if I focused more on exercising as a way of improving my mental health and less on the actual losing of weight, I will gain more from the experience and I will gain more from the actual benefits. Plus, I will keep the wonderful, beautiful, well fitting threads that fill my closet to the point of bursting at the seams, closet.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we chose to not change my medication, which was a pleasant surprise. I went through how busy the last few weeks have been, and it was highly suggested that I slow down, and I schedule in some rest days. This is a challenge for me. As when I am feeling “good” I get really excited and I think I am Wonder Woman and think that I can do all things. Where I tend to overload my schedule and before one knows it, I am bouncing from one activity to another, leaving no time for rest and relaxation. It was made clear that I am not able to do all that I want to do, and this is something that is hard for me to accept. Since I was young, I have always been one who was a strong-willed person and fought to do all that I wanted (when I wanted and how I wanted as well, but that is another subject to be discussed at a later point and time). I feel defeated when I am unable to do all that I aspire to. I get extremely frustrated that I am being held back and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs while throwing a fit like that of a child. Even though doing everything that I want to do may not be what’s best for me or in my best interest.
I agreed that I would not do more than three activities during the work week in addition to working. This is going to be a challenge, but I do need to keep in mind that I have to care for myself. Running myself ragged is in no way caring for myself. Downtime is caring time.
A project that I have in the hopper is working on decluttering my home from my personal belongings. This one is a little bit of a challenge as I am or have been big on having things. But when you have more things than you have room, you have clutter, clutter makes things messy, messiness creates stress and stress is not good for you. I would not say that I am a full-blown hoarder, but I do hold onto things. I think of their value and what was spent when they were purchased. I struggle to let go of items when I remember who gave them to me, how I may use them in the future or because I have grand ideas of how I may be able to sell them to make back some money. And for this reason, there are no cars parking in our garage.
For this first quarter of 2019, my goal is to go through my belongings and asses value and let go of at least one quarter of what I have been holding on to. Much like what is used in the television shows, I will divide my belongings into keep, trash and donate piles. Tomorrow I am working with the non-profit group that I am a part of (https://getsocialthread.org) and will be participating in a clothing drive. My family did a mad awesome job of going through their belongings and finding clothes that they no longer needed. I however, found two, yup, two, pairs of shoes, that were too small and added them to the pile. I had to keep walking away from the pile and resisting the urge to pull the shoes out of the pile, reminding myself that the shoes were indeed too small, pinching my toes, and that I had not worn them in forever. The decluttering may be a hard task to accomplish for this quarter, but I know I can do it. One item at a time, I will hit my goal.
Those are the babbles for this here Friday, on a little bit of a chilly Friday morning. I hope that your day is blessed and that you are able to focus on the positives that this day brings.