Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Facing Fears: Letting Go

white and black floral cap sleeved shirt
Photo by Artem Bali on

Today was a Tuesday.  Just a Tuesday in January.  Nothing too spectacular about it.  It was the last Tuesday in January.  So I suppose that made it special.  It started out as a day where I felt pretty fancy in my new LuLaRoe dress, then got a little grey when I got a little overwhelmed with the world and took me almost all day to shake the clouds.  I had physical therapy today which means I received a pseudo neck rub which is always something to look forward to.  All that aside, today was also a day that I decided I was going to work on going through the five tubs of ill-fitting clothes that have been sitting in the garage for over a year.  And I was going to find them a new home.

Easy peasey you may think, but no, not for this girl.  I have this unreal attachment to my clothes.  It’s not necessarily the events that I recall happening while wearing the clothes, but more that I bought the clothes, or they were given to me and they hold some kind of value.  It’s also that they are mine and should I get rid of them, by donating, sharing with a friend or throwing away, they will no longer be mine and I will, yes, I am going to say it, I will miss them.  I will have sadness, and I will feel feelings for them, and I will be saddened by them not being with me, even though they have been in a large tub hidden in the back of the garage for a year, I will miss them.  Now, since I have typed this, it sounds ludicrous, but this is what it is, and I have typed it and therefore, it has been said and I must face it.  (insert sigh here and a deep breath).

Please note that I have never been without.  My needs have always been met.  But I like having things.  And I really like having an abundance of clothes.  I like to stand in my closet and look at all my choices and then still whine that I have nothing to wear.  I love to run my fingers across all the various fabrics.  I like to feel the fullness of all the hangers.  The colors all meshing together brings happiness to my eyes.  I have joy when I am able to create outfit after outfit from the numerous shirts, skirts, pants and dresses at my disposal.  And, when I get rid of an article of clothing, I fear that this is no longer an option.  I know that this is impractical, but that is why it is referred to as a fear.  Especially when the clothes are a size that no longer fit, and I have not had the success in losing weight in a much-extended period of time.

Tonight, everything changed.  With the help and encouragement of a dear friend, we partnered, and both cleaned out our closets and we made it fun.  With pictures flying back and forth we worked through our closets and within a few days’ time we will have new to us clothes to try on.  As I am her old size and she is my old size.  The perfect match.  And it made the process fun, at least for me.

Support networks are so incredibly important.  Whether there is a mental illness involved or not, having friendships and relationships that provide us with support is monumental in obtaining the most optimal life that we can live.  I am incredibly blessed to have the people in my life that I do, and I thank the universe for each and every one of them.  I have met so many people on my journey, my doctors, my pharmacy techs, people in my neighborhood, co-workers, and strengthened bonds with my existing friends and family.  I would not be able to accomplish what I have accomplished, what I am working on and what is yet to come without out the love and continuing support of those that I have in my circle.

Tonight I am tired.  I seem to always be tired, and I wore myself out by going outside my comfort zone and working on my hoard.  But you know what, I am pretty damn proud of myself.  I hope you are able to accomplish something today that makes you proud of you!





2 thoughts on “Facing Fears: Letting Go”

  1. That was a huge accomplishment and so wonderful to have support! And I get how the aftermath is weariness as a result of the effort. I’ve experienced that myself in trying to get rid of things with emotional attachment. You should be proud!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “In order to change skins, evolve into new cycles, I feel one has to learn to discard. If one changes internally, one should not continue to live with the same objects. They reflect one’s mind and psyche of yesterday. I throw away what has no dynamic, living use.”
    — Anaïs Nin


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