Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

A Letter to My Anxiety

close up photo of gray typewriter
Photo by Leah Kelley on Pexels.com

Dear Anxiety,

I feel like you are a part of me, like a freckle on my skin that is affixed to me in a permanent way.  I feel like I will never be without you and that you at times, in the dark of the night, you multiply exponentially and are trying to take over my body.

I look at my skin and at times, I feel like I am out numbered.  Like I don’t know what I am looking at.  That I don’t recognize what I used to know.  I feel like a stranger in my own body.

Why do you torment me?  Is this some kind of a game that you play?  Do you win some sort of a prize at the end of the day if you succeed in making me think that I am in the process of losing my mind?

Why can I not quit you?  I do not understand why you continue to come back.  You are not welcome and you are not wanted.  I wish I had the ability to banish you to the depths that are deeper than the deepest hell that exists.

I want my life back.  I want my sanity back.  I want to be able to think clearly.  I want to have control over my thoughts.  I no longer want to question my sanity.  I don’t want to have to take a pill, just to be able calm down, to slow down the thoughts.  I want to function.  I want to be okay.

This living every day in fear.  Feeling like I am going to scream at the drop of a hat.  That I may turn a corner and there could be a person there waiting for me, this must stop.  I have had enough.  I have had my fill of living my life this way.  No longer is it acceptable to live in constant fear and terror.

Today is my first day of taking back control.  I will take over and I will be in control.  I will not allow the anxiety to run my life.  I will run my life.

I AM the New Captain of this Ship,

Michelle

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