Where to start, where to start…. It has been quite a week… a week that has been quiet, quiet in the mind, quiet in the mouth, quiet schedule wise… just all around quiet.
We have been experiencing rain in my region and bitter cold temperatures (in the 30’s in the morning, which IS bitter, considering that I live in the desert and it is uncommon for it to be this cold).
This week has felt odd, off, but not uncomfortable, but not comfortable either… just, well, peculiar. But, the babbling is back, so brace yourself, this is a long one…
Earlier in the week I wrote about my experience at the Mindfulness Retreat that I attended on Sunday of last weekend. I continued to feel the benefits of the retreat as the week unfolded. It really amazed me how the calm that I experienced on Sunday lasted for days. I also did not feel the need to speak. And, for those that know me, this is peculiar in itself. I mean this blog in itself is called Bella’s Babbles, because I babble ALL the time… so to go nearly three days with barely speaking was just out of the blue, but it was so refreshing. I enjoyed the quiet, spending time deep in thought and tapping into my creative juices.
I found that I was given a number of gifts during the retreat, and one gift was the yearning to increase my mindfulness practice. As result, I signed up with a local yoga studio and I attended a restorative yoga class Tuesday evening.
Tuesday evening I abandoned my partner and I headed to a 90 minute restorative yoga session for some much needed self-care. Not knowing what to expect, and for the fact that it was bitterly cold, I showed up with my yoga mat buried in my yoga bag, my purse, a poncho, my bottle of water, and my forms for my new student membership. I totally looked like a disheveled bag lady. I juggled all my belongings, filled out forms, dropped papers on the ground and made my way into the studio, nearly forgetting to take my shoes off before walking on the glistening hardwood floors. The room was packed full of people like a can of sardines and I had to squeeze in between two yogis meaning I had to talk to people (which I usually try to avoid). I tumbled down in my spot and dumped all of my belongings on the ground making a mess. I had what seemed like a million questions to ask. Can I sit here? Where are the blocks? And the blankets? What do I do? I felt so awkward, and embarrassed and I wanted to leave.
Then the class started and there was chanting. And I was like, holy shiitake mushrooms what the hello is going on? This is amazing but scaring the sprinkled cupcakes out of me at the same time. I chose not to chant because 1). I had not idea what they were saying and 2). I was still in the whole, I am not really wanting to speak thing from Sunday. But it was powerful, and I felt like waves were washing over me and I was being cleansed in this weird waves are dry and warm and refreshing kind of way. The class was exactly what I was hoping it would be and I am eager to go back.
With the combination of Restorative Yoga, the Mindfulness Retreat and the increase in my mood stabilizer from my appointment last Friday with my psychiatrist, I am walking around with far less fear creeping through my brain. I am not feeling like I am being as held captive, and I don’t feel like at any given moment I am going to break down and scream as if someone just jumped around a corner and scared the candy corn out of me. This change in my brain has been oh so welcome. Don’t get me wrong, I am still dealing with anxiety, I am still scared and I still have the intrusive thoughts, but they are not so debilitating and they are not making me feel like I can’t leave the house, so this is making living a bit more manageable.
The highlight of my week this week fell on Wednesday, good ole hump day. I had a brief meeting and I was met with a gift, and it was the most amazing, and perfect gift ever. It was the gift that keeps giving, the gift that makes me and my tummy happy. What is this gift, you may be wondering? It was SNICKERDOODLES!!! Yes, it so made my day. Little bite sized Udi’s brand Gluten Free Snickerdoodles. I was told they were for me and I did not have to share and this was just incredible. When I opened the bag and saw what they were my eyes opened big and wide, and a smile crept across my face like a small child, or maybe that of the Grinch when he was thinking of something devious. Needless to say, I have treated myself each day, to one cookie with a small coffee.
I am humbled by the thoughtfulness of others. I am taken aback by the most amazing and wonderful people that I have surrounding me in my life, supporting me, loving me, laughing with me and helping me up when I fall. I feel so incredibly blessed for the life that I have been given. There have been some curves in the road that were for sure unexpected, but they brought me to where I am today, and for that, I am grateful, as I can’t imagine not being where I am, at this moment in my life.