Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

Rounding the Bases

selective focus grayscale photography of baseball
Photo by Rachel Xiao on

It’s baseball season, or so I have heard.  I am not the biggest fan of watching baseball, but I do like to play.  Although I am not very good.  I swing and I miss.  I run and I am not fast enough.  I try and catch the ball and I hide because I am afraid the ball will hit my face and break my nose.  But I do have fun.  As an adult I played on a softball team off and on for several seasons and thoroughly enjoyed the time until I had my right ulnar nerve (my “funny bone”) moved (transposition) and never got back in the game.  I have been on the injured list permanently since 2012.

Today I am thinking about baseball in regard to hitting the ball and rounding the bases.  This morning, I hit the ball, lofted it out to the very outskirts of the outfit, and started running the bases.  Made it to first with no problem, rounded second and when I was headed to third, I collided with the shortstop and ate dirt, was tagged out and had to pick myself up and do the walk of shame back to the dugout.

As I mentioned earlier, I have been on the IR (Injured Reserve) since my surgery in 2012, so I clearly was not actually out in the Arizona heat today playing baseball.  But I was attempting to live out my Wednesday and it didn’t work out as I had planned.

Wednesdays are my therapy days.  I woke up and I felt it, deep in me that today was going to be a struggle, the depression has settled into my body.  But I put my game face on, picked out a cute outfit, did my hair and makeup and made the best of my morning.  I made it to therapy a few minutes early and used the time to gather my thoughts about what I wanted to discuss.  But I struggled as my brain was filled with bad data and I was struggling to concentrate.  During my session I shared how I was feeling lethargic, unmotivated and my body felt “heavy”.  I was struggling even to pay attention in therapy, I ended up crying and shared that I really wanted to go home, feeling that I needed a mental health day.

I had meetings planned for this afternoon.  I was supposed to get lunch for the office.  I had work to do.  Now was not the time to take a break.  I felt that I should power through and be strong and just keep on going, but today I felt different and felt that I really needed to have some bench time.

I chose to contact my boss and request for the afternoon off.  I spoke up for my need, explained I was not feeling my best and needed some down time.  He granted me the time off that I requested.  The meeting was rescheduled for another day.  I am assuming that my co-workers found another way to get lunch.

While at home I used my time to engage in self-care activities.  I spoke with people that were able to provide me with support.  I crafted and prepared for a class that I will be co-leading tomorrow.  I nourished my body through food and rest.

In the beginning of this post I mentioned that I felt that I was running the bases and collided with the short stop, ate dirt and did a walk of shame.  But now that I think about it, I feel like I actually hit a home run.  I spoke up for my needs, and I took care of myself the way that I would encourage a loved one to do.  Some days we play a really exceptional game, some days we don’t.  Then there are times when we have a good hit, a great in field play or maybe just a above par catch.  I am finding that the more I applaud myself for the good work that I do, even the small things, the better it makes me feel.

I hope that you are able to take time today to give yourself credit for the effort and energy that you are putting into the game that you are playing.

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