Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

Staring At My Shoes

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Today I sat down, and I looked at my to do list.  It was hard to do as my to do list is a combination of like for reals multiple pages on several different note pads.  I am kind of an organized person, in that unorganized all over the place kind of a way.  I am a very visual person, so I can tell you which pad of paper I wrote it on, which page, how many pages into the pad, where on the sheet and in what color ink, but I wouldn’t be able to tell you where I put the blasted pad of paper.  It’s the way I think I have always been.  And it’s beginning to drive me bonkers.

I was going through my lists and marking off what was completed (and isn’t that like the greatest, most amazing, satisfying feeling in the whole wide round world).  I also was working on following up on what was left undone and I realized that I have made progress, but I still have quite a bit left to do.  And then I went to my email and I like to use the flags to indicate what I need to follow up on, by when and with a reminder for the due dates.  My email box is full of red!  (In my email program, emails turn red when you mark them for follow up and the follow up has expired).

So I am sitting here with a list of to dos that is longer than the naughty list that Santa lugs around and an email inbox that looks like the freeway at rush hour, nothing but red brake lights.  And all the sudden I lose all motivation to do anything.  I just freeze!

And this is when I get pissed.  This is what happens when I get overwhelmed, I get to the point where there is so much to do that I sit and stare at my shoes (today’s shoes are black keds as my morning was spent at the park with my Mom’s group) and do absolutely nothing.  It is so incredibly annoying that I do this and have done this for quite a number of years.

Today I was working in the office alone.  One advantage was there was no other distractions from other people.  I could not blame any one else for anything.  No one’s breathing could distract me.  I had no one to talk to, no one to ask me questions, no one to bullshit with.  It was just me.  So I did what any sane person would do, and I gave myself a pep talk, out loud.  Yup.  And guess what chickadees, it worked.

I was like, “Listen now Michelle, you got this Babe, you have been in worst places and got yourself out of the mess and today is like no other situation.  Sure you are tired and overwhelmed but that just means that you need to push yourself a little harder.  And when in God’s green earth have you ever let a challenge defeat you.  So get up off your ass and get some shit done.”

With that, I stood up, I grabbed some file folders and I started to organize my desk.  I got my projects in order and started working on each item as if they were small assignments.  Once completed I marked them off the list and took a 5-minute break, chatted with a friend, then moved to the next.  And I did this for 4 hours.

Life has been challenging for me recently and I feel like I may be on edge of a meltdown.  But I am working on not letting that happen.  I also have been working on not spending too much time staring at my shoes.  I just need to put things in file folders and work on them as small assignments, mark them off my to do list, take a little break and move forward.  I’ve like totally got this! ~

And for those that were counting, I said “like” ten total times. Thanks for playing along.

2 thoughts on “Staring At My Shoes”

  1. Yay, hurray for my Lil Roo! As I was reading your post a pictured a tiny majorette marching back and forth across your desk, baton pointed skyward; fez covered head held high shouting: “Let’s go, you got this… don’t stop the TADO list… “

    Liked by 1 person

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