A pep talk is a noun that is defined as “a talk intended to make someone feel more courageous or enthusiastic.”
I needed one of these talks yesterday after my psychiatry appointment.
Over the last two weeks I have literally been a combination of super woman and wonder woman. I have been able to leap tall buildings, make cupcakes and cookies in one single bound, and turn around and embroider and sew a small travel size pillow basically blindfolded, all after taking a little day trip to the river and making a Sunday morning breakfast following doing the laundry and putting all my clothes away the Konmari method way.
Pretty amazing right?
And then come 3 PM I would sit at the dining room table and stare at the curtains. I was exhausted but so wired. I wanted to sleep or have a cup of coffee but was not able to do either due to the energy that was zooming through my body. My brain was buzzing with all the “things” that I HAD to do. Goodness, I even contemplated cleaning the baseboards and that is just plain ludicrous, that is NOT something that I do, not even if my mother is coming out to visit (sorry Mom, but you already know this, so no use in hiding the truth).
When I saw my doctor yesterday, I let her know that I was pretty sure I was experiencing hypomania, and if I went any higher on the medication it would push me into full blown mania. That I was not sleeping as I normally do and some of my other destructive behaviors had returned as well. I said that I have been so productive, and the depression went away but that I am exhausted and that I know I can’t continue at the rate I am going, physically and financially (crafting is quite expensive!)
We changed the medication to a different concentration that is released into the body differently and I am supposed to see her in two weeks. In the meantime I need to work hard to stop engaging in the destructive activities and focus more on self-care and being calmer and focusing on balance.
Post appointment I texted my spouse and my mother about the results of my appointment. And then I shared with my mama about how I was very frustrated. And here is where the pep talk came in. She reminded me that this process is like a dance. A few steps forward and a step or two backwards every once and a while. And then I began to think about it in that way and imagined that I need to move with the music. Go with the flow of things. I am not a real good dancer, I don’t have rhythm, like at all, but I can sway, and I can kind of hold a beat, I was a flutist for 8 years, so I am somewhat musically inclined.
She also reminded me how the medication is essential to my life. How is has given me life. How my life has been so much improved since being on the medication. And this did make me think. I do feel like over the last two to three years (that first year post diagnosis was pretty rough) I feel like I have been given a new life, renewed and blessed. That without the medication, I would not be able to live the life that I have come to love.
She continued to state that it is a blessing that these days I am so in tune with my body that I am able to notice when I am slightly off, whether it is with mania or depression. That long are the days of being in an “extreme” and then spending extended periods of time trying to adjust and get back to home base, but now we are more working on “tweaking” and making small adjustment to bring me back to a place of peace.
I am blessed to have a person in my life who is there and willing to give me a pep talk either though it may be like a broken record at time. At times I lose sight of how far I come, and I let the clouds of frustration and discouragement cloud my vision.
Today I took the new medication. I know it will take time for it to kick in, but I have faith and hope that it will help me be the best me that I can be.