Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, hiking, recovery, therapy, Uncategorized

A Weekend Update: Facing Fears

56285263_10100912566143969_4033752521838166016_nI don’t usually write on the weekend, not sure why, it just doesn’t usually happen.  However, today I feel like writing, so that’s what this girl is going to do.  It has been quite a weekend and it is still only Sunday morning, with a whole day a head of me with a huge event still to happen.  But, already much has occurred and I wanted to share, because well, excitement was had and fears were conquered and I am feeling good about life and thus, inspired to type, type type.


Yesterday was my adventure day with the main squeeze and we went about 2 hours out of town on a hiking adventure.  And let me tell you, me and road trips do not mix.  The car anxiety alone makes me bonkers.  Red lights, switching lanes, and I am clenching the rescue bar that hangs above my head as if I am in the car that’s participating in the Indy500.  When we are merely going the speed limit, driving safely, I may add, and I just am a horrible passenger who has an unfathomable fear of getting in an accident.  But yes there is a but, yesterday, I was pretty chill, I still had my moments, but I did well.  I did not need to take any rescue anxiety meds and I felt good that I was able to just use my breathing exercises and a little bit of white knuckling to get me through it.

When we made it to the state park, I had to pee.  This is normal.  We had been in the car for some 2 hours and I had coffee and water and it is a typical bodily function, right?Well, my dear readers, I have toilet phobias and I knew that the trip out of town was going to test me to my brink.  There was a camp toilet, like an enclosed compost toilet or port-o-potties.  So, after some major self-talks and the real need to pee, I went to the port-o-john.  I did some major deep breathing, and a bit of self-affirming chatting and I survived.  It was a little touch and go for a few moments, but I made it!

The hilarious part is I leave the “john” and wash my hands (there was this awesome wash station WITH running water) and I see my spouse over at this pop up exhibit area.  So I wonder over there and sure as snickers he is with the one guy holding a snake.  Let me tell you something here, I do not like snakes.  I do not like them in houses, or in socks, or with rocks or with mouses.  I do not like snakes Sam am I, I do not.  I usually get sick to my stomach, and I have a panic attack and I tinkle in my pants and I cry, big alligator tears, like I am going to die right here where I am standing, fear flowing down my face tears.  But, yesterday was different.  Not sure if it’s because I was high from coming off going to the bathroom in a very public restroom, but I pet the snake.  And then my partner told the handler about my fear and he suggested I hold the bugger and I did.  I HELD THE SNAKE.  And, yes there is an and, I was smiling.  There were no panic attacks, there was no hyperventilating, there was no peeing.  I did it.

The hike was beautiful.  Clouds forming around mountain tops.  Sun beating down on me.  So many gorgeous flowers in bloom.  It even rained.  There was no rain the forecast, but the skies opened up and it rained on us.  It was if we were in a romantic comedy.  I feel like I was living my best life.  It was glorious and wonderful, and I thought I was daydreaming.  I couldn’t help but to keep a smile plastered on my face.

Today, I am sore from the some 15K steps that I walked yesterday.  The combination of hiking and touring the town that we were visiting.  I am teaching my craft class this afternoon and I am a ball of nerves and excitement, all intertwined together.  I love to craft and to teach.  I will be with friends and there will be coffee and cupcakes.  I mean, it’s going to be an amazing afternoon.

In years previous, I could not imagine being in the place that I am right now.  I was struggling with not having my creativity.  I was unable to achieve balance between depression and mania.  I could not focus.  I thought that days like today and yesterday would never come.  I was told that back then what I was experiencing was just temporary.  I listened but I did not believe.  I said ok, but I doubted.  Today, I can see how they were right.

There are hard times, and they WILL pass.  Things WILL get better.  Good WILL come.  It just takes time.

2 thoughts on “A Weekend Update: Facing Fears”

    1. Thank you so much! I feel pride towards myself as well. It was an exhausting weekend, but much was accomplished and I feel so good about the fears that I was able to accomplish. Your words mean a lot to me!


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