Bipolar Disorder, endometriosis, Everyday Life, recovery, Uncategorized

Knocked Down and Feeling Out

IMG_4781I sat on the couch today and there was something a little bit different in the air.  A heaviness.  Was it me or was it her?  Was it just the room?  It was a Monday morning, mid-morning, so maybe that was it.

Our interaction was not what is usually was.  I gave my report as usual and we discussed my summary sheet.  It was comprised of all good things for the most part.  Me working on overcoming anxieties, challenging myself, pushing myself.  I also have been working on the items she asked me to work on and I feel like I have made really good progression over the last week.

But, when we got to the goals, we hit an impasse.  I shared that I crash every afternoon, around 1-2 pm, and I crash hard.  I drag but, I am not motivated, I just want to sleep.  I was asked if I was hopeless, feeling despair, and I said no.  I am just utterly exhausted.

I elaborated and shared that I feel weird even bringing it up to her because it is an energy thing, not a real depression thing, but only kind of a low-grade depression thing.  I am fine during the day, but around the 6th hour, I just am done.

After chatting about it, we decided that we are going to change the dosage of my medication, so I take half the dose in the morning, half in the afternoon and see if that helps to avoid the crash.  I’ll hopefully start this tomorrow.

It was also suggested that I speak with my gynecologist about my hormones.  She asked me how much I think my mood and how I am feeling at this point has to do with my hormones.  And I, without thinking twice about it, answered that I felt that my hormones had quite a bit to do with it.  It was recommended that I get in touch with my doctor, find out what the results show from my blood work and see what options I have.

I made the phone calls, and I played phone tag with the office staff.  I received a message stating that my body was not absorbing the hormones and my numbers were off and low.  Hmmm, I thought, this makes sense, because I have not been feeling right, not bad per se, but just not right, like I am ok, but not where I know I should be.  When I finally got in touch with my doctor’s staff, I found out that I am running out of resources.  My body is being persnickety, and I have two options remaining, one that is still in trial stages, and then one that I have tried before, but my body rejected.

I wanted to cry.  Right there on the phone. I so wanted to let hot tears run down my face.  I wanted to sob, crumble in my seat and just let all the emotions out, with every tear that was being released by my eyes.  But no tears came.  Not a single one.  I suppose it is due to the medications, I am guessing it is because I am numb.

I made the quick decision that I did not want to be a lab rat.  My body is far too sensitive to try something out that currently is still in the testing process.  So I went with what I know.  I would give it another shot and hopefully this time my body would not reject it.  I am in a different place.  I am far more stable.  Perhaps this treatment will not make me go manic.  Maybe, my body will be accepting of the medication and I will be able to finally get a chance to hormonally balance out.

I feel like I have been knocked down.  Part of me wants to hang out on the mat for a little bit.  To rest and recharge.  But then there is so much that needs to be done… and there’s that part of me that feels the need to forever pull myself up by my bootstraps, stand up straight and march forth.

This has got to be merely a bump in the road, one that will teach me some sort of a lesson.  I will learn something about the path that brought me here and I will learn something about the path that leads me away from here.  All paths lead me to and from where I needed to be and where I need to go.

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