From Defeated to Delighted

The beginning of the week I had enough.  I was beyond frustrated.  I was incredibly pissed off.  I was hating the world.  The week started off on a rough footing and I was just done.  I wanted to hide under a blanket and just hide until the storm passed.  I wanted to throw in the towel and give up.

However, yes, as always, there’s a but, I did not, because I could not.  There were things to do, places to be, food to grocery shop for, families to cook for and cats to pet.  I had medication to take, calls to make, a boss to report to and children to ask about their day.  I had a spouse to kiss, and clothes to wash.  There was not time to hide.  There was not the room nor the opportunity to disappear.  I did not know how long the storm was going to be in town, so hiding out was not an option.  Lastly, I have never, ever given up and thrown in the towel, and now would be no different.

Within in two days I saw two different doctors and underwent two different medication changes.  Between those two appointments I was informed that there was little we could do to improve my symptoms, but there was one or two things left we could try and we would give it a try and remain optimistic.  I looked at my doctor and I laughed, not in her face, but in her direction when she stated that she would stay positive.

Today is Thursday.  It is a full two days since those appointments.  I am not the biggest believer in miracles, but some fairy must have sprinkled some magic dust on my face when I was sleeping because things are starting to get better.  Before this week, I was like a notch or two away from being at optimum performance.  If I could just get rid of the afternoon detrimental crashes I would say that life was pretty ideal, oh yeah and the insomnia, and the low grade depression.  Those were my pleas.  So far, fingers crossed, I have had a few days of what may be described as bliss.

A combination of changing one medication (same dose) but twice a day and getting my hormones through a different venue, may be life changing.  It’s pretty amazing how not getting what your body needs (a combination of psychiatric medication and hormones) absorbed through your body greatly affects your body and overall functioning.  The clarity of thought, the soundness of sleep, the ability to function throughout the full day without needing a nap.  It’s pretty magnificent.

I took a risk.  In the past this hormone treatment caused mania at one point and at another my body literally rejected the medication and it was incredibly painful.  And for the other mental health medication, it caused major problems with my anxiety.  However, at this very moment, all things are functioning in harmony.

It is a weird feeling.  This feeling of all things being balanced.  It feels new and scary.  It feels godly uncomfortable.  It is foreign.  It scares me. I would think that it would be exhilarating and wildly exciting, but alas no, I feel like I am walking on shards of glass that are dispersed over coals of hot fire.  Will I grow used to this feeling of grandeur or will the poles blow through before I get settled into my new normal before I have a chance to hang my Home Sweet Home sign?