I am exhausted.
Its been such a busy few days and weeks, and now that I think about it, maybe even months.
Life has been good. And I am blessed.
But today, I am tired.
I am sitting with a venti (aka large) cup of iced coffee and it is just laughing at me.
I keep sipping and it keeps doing nothing for me. I bet when I snuggle up in bed tonight it will kick in and I will be wide awake with every ounce of that venti surging through my veins, but for now, I just want to use my sweater that is draped across the back of my chair and fold it up in a ball and create a makeshift pillow for my heavy and sleep filled head. Alas, there is so much to do. And, let’s be real for a second, this girl may drool a little bit and very important papers cover my desk right now and I can’t turn in papers for my ultra-important meeting tomorrow with drool marks on them. So, I chose to write. I also chose to write because part of my project for work involves writing and I am struggling. I thought if I started writing for “fun” maybe I would work some of the rust off my fingers and I would get more in the mood.
As I have been sitting here looking at a blank page for my project, I was thinking about what I have been able to complete successfully as a way to motivate myself to get to finishing this somewhat mentally challenging project. An item that came to mind where I have made strides is working on items where I don’t actually know what I am doing.
In my work position (my position is an executive assistant/personal assistant/business manager combination type of a gloriousness that I have love for) I am spreading my wings and taking on new responsibilities and it feels like this is happening weekly, if not daily. A few years ago after being newly diagnosed I would not speak to people on the phone. I only wanted to do what I knew how to do. I was so incredibly scared of making a mistake. But now, I am learning that it is not expected for me to know everything, but more of me learning how to use my resources to know how to get in touch with the people that do know the ins and outs of what I need to find out. And that the key is for me to create a relationship with these people, learn a little bit, and then create a working relationship where I can work WITH them when needed to help me help my boss get the information that he needs. This was like a huge light bulb going off in my head and it was like I used a magic key to unlock a huge door that was blocking my path. I now no longer beat myself for asking questions for things that I do not know; I ask so I can learn. I do not say that I understand if I do not. I work on actively listening and remove distractions that may cause me to not be the best listener that I can be. This has been a game changer.
I still have that voice in my head that quietly whispers, “what happens when you slip?” and I did talk to my therapist about this on Wednesday. And the answer was simple: We will deal with it when it happens. As my mama says, we will pull ourselves up by our bootstraps.
Living life is hard. Living life with a mental illness, a chronic illness or an invisible illness is even more challenging. I have found that taking the time each day, yes, each day, to applaud ourselves for what we have accomplished, has helped me tremendously to have a more positive view of my life and therefore have a much more positive outlook. Have you taken a minute to tell yourself Good Job today? Or that you are proud of you?