April showers bring May flowers
May has arrived and it has brought with it sunshine and excitement. It seems like March, well marched right on by, April flooded by and now here is May. With how this week has been for me, I am wondering if the start of this new month is going to be a preview of how the whole month will be or if it was just an overflow from April. I guess only time will tell.
A Month of Transitioning
May often is a time of transitioning. We go from spring to summer. And the cool temps lead into warmer days, and the short days leave us. Many celebrate and take part in graduations. Whether it is from preschool, kindergarten, 5th grade, 8th grade, high school or college, millions celebrate their academic achievements.
In my house, we will be celebrating an 8th grade graduation. It is hard to believe that the youngest in the house will be moving on to high school next year, but boy she has developed into a fabulous teenager. She is respectable and has a fun and quirky personality. I am blessed to be in her life and to have spent the last 10 years with her as she has grown into the person that she is today. I look forward on being in her life as she continues to grow and develop into an adult. I know that there are wonderful things in life waiting for her and I am excited to see what the universe has in store for her.
Recently I have been tired. However, it is a different type of tired. It is not depression tired. It is not sleep deprived tired, although I have not been sleeping as fantastical as I have in the past, which I some how need to figure out how to remedy. It’s this other kind of tired. I have been thinking about it and think I have it nailed down to a mental exhaustion that is due to pushing my brain to the limits that are currently in place as well as a psychological exhaustion from the work that I have been doing to work through the limitations that have been put in place due to trauma.
I have been in a good stable place for a few weeks or months, everything has been blurring together that I have basically lost count of the actual number of days, which I think is a good thing. As I have been stabilizing, I have been slowly increasing my work load. Before I knew it, I looked back and I metaphorically had all these little duckies following me in a row, perfectly walking behind me, watching me carefully, and walking with me in step. And I was like, “Whoa, where did all these duckies come from?”, and then I realized they were all my tasks and responsibilities and how I was so thrilled with how they were so in line and walking just so. But, it takes a lot to keep all the ducks in a row and it wears a person out.
With larger tasks and projects on the horizon, I have pushed my brain to limits that I have not worked to in many years. It feels amazing to get back to the capacity where I was working some five years ago, but the muscle memory is weak and therefore tires easily.
Throw in the work I have done on working through trauma and it feels like I have been competing in an Olympic event. I spent much time this week wishing that I could bibbidy babbidy boo food to appear on the table, and because I can’t we had some not so amazing meals for dinner this week. But, the family was feed, most nights all food groups were present and we all survived. So, total win!
I am much so looking forward to a slow, uneventful weekend that is slowly approaching. There are plans that are in place for our weekend and this brings a large smile on my face. I hope to be able to sleep in (should my kitty alarm clock allow me the pleasure) and to be lazy. To move about the house with no agenda. And dare I say it, but I hope that I reach the place of Nirvana also referred to as boredom.