This weekend was one where I did not have anything that was set in stone as far as activities go. After several weeks of having one thing after another planned, it was a weekend where my partner and I looked at each other and said, “What do you want to do?” And we just kind of looked at each other blankly. Don’t get me wrong, there were things to do. Groceries needed to be purchased. Laundry needed to be done. Chores were in need of completion. So it is not like we were without things that could be done. But, there was no time frame in which we were following, no places we had to be at a particular time, no feeling like the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. It was quite enjoyable.
However, this brain of mine did not get the memo that we needed to be chill this weekend. She chose to stay in overdrive. The thoughts were zooming and the anxiety, well it has returned. I first noticed it while driving, and that usually is a tell tale sign that I am starting to have some issues. And then a few other signs popped up, some OCD things returned and I was like, “oh heavens be, really?” A near panic attack tried to surface on Saturday and it left me grabbing for some rescue medication, but I stopped myself and used my breathing exercises while I silently talked myself down instead of taking the pill.
I found the return of the anxiety to be frustrating and disappointing. I had been thoroughly enjoying the time without it. I felt light and carefree. It had been so pleasant and enjoyable. I did not get foot stomping, throw something at the wall mad though. This would accomplish nothing (as I have found in the past). I thought about what was happening. I checked the dates on the calendar. It was, almost to the day, a month ago that I received my estrogen hormone injection, and it was a small dose (we were airing on the side of caution) and I am pretty sure that my body gobbled up the hormones and I am depleted once again.
In place of throwing a tantrum and hating the world, I decided I would go to the doctor today, request a blood draw to check my levels and make an appointment for next week (when the results should be back) to get a “refill”. After all these years, with one ailment after another, I have learned to listen very closely to my body. I can sense when something is off and I have learned how to identify what’s off and what I need to do to remedy the situation. Thankfully, I now have a team of doctors who know that I have this skill, trust me, and listen to me.
My goal is that within the next two weeks, I will have a “refill” of hormones and the anxiety will have subsided and I will be back to a clearer mind, one with less (or no) OCD symptoms and I can get back to a more simple way of living. Until then, I will keep reminding myself what this is, and I will take the appropriate measures to handle the symptoms, as I know the cause.