Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

And then the wind blows…

dandelion nature sunlight
Photo by Nita on Pexels.com

What was the game show where we were given the option to dial a friend?  For the life of me I cannot remember the name of it.  I can recall the colors and that it took place at night, but the name of the show!!??!!  Nevertheless, my brain is foggy, so it’s not much of a surprise that I am not able to recall this information.  My brain is currently a mush pile sitting atop of body.  My body that is warming a chair, with a blank face that is smiling, a bright and fake smile plastered on my face.

It’s one of those days.  I had therapy this morning.  It wasn’t brutal, but it wasn’t pleasant.  I wasn’t called out on my shit per say, but we did talk about what I need to work on and that is never pleasant.  And I came to terms with the fact that I basically am running a low-grade manic episode fever.  So, off to the psychiatrist I go (this is where the dial a friend ramble from earlier ties in).  Thankfully they were able to fit me in tomorrow afternoon.

Recently, I’ve kind of been a witchy witch.  I’ve been hot and cold tempered and soaring in between the two like a microwave that’s malfunctioning.  Funny, whenever I think about a microwave, I think about the fact that there is a melt butter function on my microwave, and it is such a godsend since I am a baker.  But to get back on course mate.  I blew through the house yesterday afternoon on a cleaning frenzy, cursing and spitting and even my cats were afraid of me.  My family did not want to be around me, downside, but upside, the house is much, much cleaner.  Another downside, I want all new rugs for the bathrooms.  As if this girl really needs any justification to do any more shopping.

I find it quite interesting how each time I go into a manic episode that it affects me differently.  I have similar symptoms, but there are variances.  I only ever think I am experiencing mania if I experience “butterflies”, you know that unsettling feeling inside your legs that feels like butterflies fluttering inside of you.  And when I don’t feel that specific symptom, then I assume I am not manic.  I can have all the other symptoms, but I go into denial and I state, “I am not manic, as I do not have butterflies!”

In reality, I have not slept well for weeks, I have been shopping, I have had a decrease in appetite, my anxiety has been slowly increasing, I have not been sitting still, my creativity has been soaring and a few other things.  The icing on the cake today is my irritability.  I feel like an angry pregnant cat.  Staring at the humans that are passing it by letting out gruesome moans, reaching out it’s paws with claws extended and hissing horrible hisses with malicious intent.

I am frustrated.  I was doing so well.  I was so active and productive and happy.  I was getting things done and working so much and being such a good wife person and bonus mom.  And now, well now, I am a growling tiger swatting at people, trying to start fights at the watering hole.

 

This too shall pass.  I will get past this.  This is temporary.  I am seeking help.  I am asking for assistance.  So now I wait.  Patiently, and with a positive attitude.  Holding on to gratitude for the good days that I have had and looking forward to the blue skies that are on the horizon waiting for me.

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