I have been thinking about Mother’s Day for a while now. I have had this heavy burden on my heart. I know that it is supposed to be a joyous holiday, a gleeful day, a day spent with smiles and hugs. But I am struggling.
I keep thinking about the people who have lost their mothers.
People who are away from their mothers mentally, physically and emotionally.
The people who are estranged from their mothers.
Those that are unable to be mothers.
And my heart is breaking.
For those that I describe above, they may struggle this Sunday. It will probably not be a carefree day for them. Their hearts may break. Tears may run down their faces. Or it may hurt too much to cry and they may bottle it up inside and it may just burn from the inside out. There may be an aching or an emptiness. Questions of why, why did she have to go, why isn’t she here with me, why didn’t the pregnancy last, why can’t I conceive? So many questions and so much pain and hurting.
I feel you. I never conceived a baby. My heart ached month after month for years, wondering why. Knowing that I would be an amazing mother and not understanding what I did wrong and why my womb was not being blessed.
And now, I am 2000 miles away from my mother. Anxiety and OCD have my mind tangled up in knots and preclude me from traveling with ease. I have not actually seen my mother in person since my last surgery which was two years ago nearly to date. I know she is with me in spirit but is not the same.
I am blessed to be a stepmother to two amazing children. They are the breath that makes my lungs inflate with air. The two children make me life whole. I am certain that they are the reason that I blindly moved across the country ten years ago with my mere belongings and my cat in my car. In addition, I have an amazing mother in law who has taken me under her wing and treats me like I was her own.
On Sunday, please don’t forget about those that may not have as much to celebrate. My heart goes out to those that have missing parts to their hearts. I wish you peace, love and healing during this challenging time.