Friday has come and gone. And there was not a babble that was recorded due a mental day off that was in place. I did much of nothing on Friday. Had breakfast, saw my family on their way to work and school and then took a much-needed restorative nap. Upon waking, I headed out and I had lunch with my love and headed home to greet my kiddos after their day from school ended. It was quite an uneventful day, but it was exactly what I needed. I needed a day to just chill and let my brain rest. I needed to just be, and to not have a place to be or to be restrained by a schedule or a time limit. I was way in need of resting. Both physically, mentally and emotionally. And that is exactly what I did.
It has been a rough week. My emotions have been a roller coaster. I have been hot and cold. Up and down. Here and there. Happy and sad. Calm and angry. I have had quite enough of myself, so I am pretty sure that my family probably feels the same as I do.
The irritability that has plagued me has just been tearing me apart. I want to scream. Then I want to cry. Following, I want to throw objects on the ground and gauge holes in the walls. And then I want to sob in the corner. Although I have done none of this, except sobbing in the corner, or rather my car, the feelings have been so intense, and I have not felt this way in so long that it has been overwhelming and just saying that seems like such an understatement.
Ive had the feeling recently of wanting to run away, not in a physical sense but a mental and emotional sense. To get away from the way that I feel. The pain, the anguish, the hurt and pain. To just run, run until my legs won’t stop and then run another ten miles until I pass out and can’t get back up.
The mania is not the worst that I have ever had. It is actually slight in comparison. But because I have been so good for so long, this mania is literally kicking my ass in a Marine’s boot camp kind of a way. With a drill Sargent screaming down my throat and tears welling up in my eyes as I try my hardest to pump out one more push up before my arms give out.
Today was the first day that I did not feel the irritability. It was first day in two days that I did not spend in bed. Today I did not pick a fight with my spouse. Today I got myself all dolled up for the holiday and made the best of the day. I was exhausted with all the commotion and excitement and celebrating, but I made the best of the event and kept myself composed.
I return to work tomorrow and I pray that I can keep myself composed. That I am on the upswing and that the mania is now something of the past and that it will not resurface. The anger issues were never resolved so I ponder when their nasty heads will resurface, but I will save those for another day. Today I will focus on the fact that I have happiness and peace. That the bitterness and mean heartedness has disappeared, and a bit of happiness has returned.
I go bits of time debating whether I do have Bi polar and then I am so graciously reminded that indeed, I do. It is a part of me and we co-exist.
I will wake tomorrow. I will make it a good day. I will wear a smile on my face. I will speak affirmations. I will speak positively to myself. I will remind myself that this tough times are temporary. That the sunshine will return. That the beautiful sunsets are there waiting for me. That I am a gift.