In life there are the haves and the have nots.
That can be people and that can mean things, or even experiences.
Currently, I am a little caught up in this conundrum. It very well could be due to the fact that I am bouncing between mania and depression, and my brain is not processing data, feelings and emotions properly or accurately. Actually, I know that this is most likely the exact reason that I am stuck in this place.
I am wanting what I don’t have and forgetting about all the wonderful things that I do have. Not all the time, and not all things. But there are things, perhaps a few specific things that I don’t have, and it is just tearing my world upside down and I can’t seem to let go and these have nots.
Hours and hundreds of hundreds of dollars have been spent processing these losses and tears upon tears that have created rivers that have streamed down my face as result of me not being able to accept what is.
I have literally sat there and said, “but I want what I want!” like a child throwing a tantrum, with my fists balled up and pounded on the couch with my vision blurred due to the tears that were filling my eyes. Yet, my stubbornness just doesn’t waiver. I am good for a bit, I let things go, I focus on the good that is in my life, all the wonderful things that I have, the love that fulfills me. But the second I hit a large bump in the road, I get slightly off course and then I get back in that endless loop of the oh whoa is mes and I am back to thinking I am living in the land of the have nots.
Post therapy session today, my mother checked in on me and asked me how it went. I let her know that I did not feel like much was resolved. I did not get my problem resolved. This was not because of lack of trying on my therapist’s behalf, it was more due to me and my stubbornness and the perceived in ability to let go.
Living in the land of have nots is a rotten place to be. For me, it is not a place of sunshine and sparkles. There are no unicorns and rainbows. There are tears and clouds. Grey and rain. There is moping around and destruction, it is like a dark and dingy construction site that is above a junk yard.
I need to snap out of it, and I am not sure how. Will it just pass? Can I take a nap and wake up and be in the world of light and sunshine? Will tomorrow come and will I be in the place of haves? Can I blink and leave the land of have nots?
Until I figure out, I will use the best outlet that I know and that is one of art. To date, abstract art has been my go-to. It is odd and quirky. The more bizarre the more beautiful it feels to my head and heart. With each paint stroke I feel less angst and a reduction in pain and grief. No words are needed, no talking, no tears. Just painting, one stroke at a time. By the time I am done, I am calm and have peace in my soul and I feel like I can exist among others.