Bipolar Disorder, Everyday Life, Uncategorized

The Living Room

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My living room, or what is supposed to be my living room, is the room in the house where there is a wall of bookcases filled with various books, a comfortable couch and an oversized coffee table.  This space is currently unrecognizable.  There are bins filled with art and crafting supplies that cover much of the room only allowing a shallow walk path from the main hallway to the couch and to the fireplace.  There are canvases, paint, yarn, embroidery hoops and feathers.  All in their packages of course, but in tubs, categorized by craft, as to be taught over the next few months.

I love that I am able to craft.

I get way excited that I have been given the opportunity to teach.

It is thrilling to be able to do both, crafting and teaching, and all for a worthy cause.

But, my organization of supplies, is not what it should be.  I like to have all my items at my fingertips and having them in the living room makes them quite accessible.  However, I also am too overwhelmed to get into the garage and organize a space for them, so I have been putting the big P word in place, you got it, Procrastination.  It is easier to have to walk around my obstacle course of crafts than to spend an hour in the garage creating a long term solution, so I am band aiding it, knowing that in a short amount of time, I will exasperate my family and they will come to me and plead with me to find a better “home” for my supplies.

To further complicate matters, I have been unable to fully shake the mania from my system.  I start to come down from my high and then I begin to balance out and then something happens, I get triggered and I rise like big red balloon on a spring afternoon.  So, my ability to stay focused on a task and to be still for an extended period of time is challenging.  And it’s especially challenging after using all my energy to be productive and focused at work during the day.  I come home and all my will power has left my body.

I mentally am prepared to organize the garage this weekend, in addition to attending a painting class on Friday, and creating a custom cake on Saturday, plus spending time with family and friends.  However, the overwhelmingness of the subject of the garage, the grandness, the space, and the stuff, makes me feel like a small puppy with their tail hiding between my legs and trying not to piddle on the carpet.  But I think if I map it out, make goals on how to break down the garage into pieces, to make progress in segments that will help make it into a smaller project and not such a big scary monster.

I might as well try and take advantage of the excess energy and the inability to sit still and use the jitters to my benefit.  It is way more productive than to sit and wallow in my aggravation that I feel over how sensitive my body is and how I am incapable of taking something that I deem as simple as supplements without causing an unbalancing in my body.  It is quite frustrating that I try to do “good” for my body, to heal from the inside out, and for me, that doesn’t work, it causes more harm than good.  So, I am going to focus on what’s in front of me, what’s in my control, what’s within my time frame for this moment.  Not what’s to come, not for what’s a day a way, or a week a way or a month, but just in the now.

And, I am going to, by the end of the weekend, reclaim my living room as a living room.

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