Oh, the last Friday of the month, and the last day of the month. What a glorious day it shall be.
Oh Mania, how I love to hate you
The mania is back, or did it ever really leave me?
After an appointment with my doctor, and the preparation that I had going into the appointment, it was pretty clear that the mania was deep in my bones. The inability to sit still was a dead giveaway, the desire to get a tattoo and the “need” to dye my hair. All tell tail signs that there is something brewing deep down in the roots of my inner psyche. There’s also the increase in OCD symptoms as well as that deep, gnawing urge to just scream at the top of my lungs, for really no reason whatsoever.
I assumed I was just being fussy, and that maybe it was something to do with the moon. Because that makes total sense, you know, blaming the moon?!? I suppose I was in denial. I always seem to be in denial when it comes to slipping into mania or even depression, because I am tired of having ups and downs, tired of being symptomatic. And I think I am not the only one that is tired. I tend to forget that my ups and downs not only affect me, but also affect those around me. I would not be surprised if they were getting somewhat irritated as well.
However, with the mania, my artwork has been on point and I have been like a crafting machine. If only I could get myself to channel some of the anxious energy into cleaning, my house would be spotless. I wish there was a dial or something to turn from crafting to cleaning or productive socializing (I am literally cracking myself up right now). That would be just perfect! ~
A Weekend All to Myself
This weekend is a special weekend. It is a weekend that I have all to myself. Just me and my cats. I can do what I want, when I want, how I want, with no one to tell me no, or interject or comment. Doesn’t this sound magical?
Well, for most, it would sound like heaven, but for me, to be perfectly open and honest, I am kind of terrified, in that I don’t like being home alone at night, because of things that go bump in the night, and the scary monsters that I believe lurk behind my closet door like in the movie Monsters, Inc.
I do not remember the last weekend that I spent all alone. Mind you I spent years living alone, so it’s not like I have not done this before, this is not my first rodeo. I actually used to enjoy living alone, but these days, I have become so accustomed to living with my family, that the thought of not having my family with me makes me want to hide all of their belongings so they can’t leave and make them go on a scavenger hunt to find them (and maybe, just maybe, I did just that very thing last night in an act of juvenile rebellion…)
But, I have a weekend of fun things planned. Making a cake, painting pottery, crafting, and organizing my garage. The organizing the garage does not fall under the “fun” category, but it is necessary and will be productive and is well overdue.
My family will undoubtably, have an exciting time on their adventures and I will survive, me and my kitties. I will manage my anxiety and I will not succumb to the worst-case scenarios that bounce between my ears all around inside my head.
I will use my support network that consists of family, friends, mindfulness training and exercise to help me help myself make it not only get through this weekend, but to have a pleasurable time. And maybe, just maybe, I will have fun.