Well hello there Friday, you sexy beast! I am so very thankful that you have graced me with your presence, as I have missed you, as it has seemed that you had abandoned me and left me sitting here in a pool of my own tears.
My what a week it has been. It went by in a quick like a bunny, but slow like a tortoise kind of a way, but either way you look at it, we won the race, so I suppose that is the only thing that really matters in the end.
Last weekend, I was alone. (insert scary music in the D minor chord).
I wasn’t sure that I would make it. Clarification, I knew I would survive, but I thought it would be torture and I thought I would be a crying, laying in bed, feeling sorry for myself, wishing that I could just sleep away the weekend, crying myself in and out of sleep mess.
However, through the AMAZING support of my friends and family, and the power of crafting, I was able to have an enjoyable weekend and was UBER productive. And let’s be honest, some of that was due to the wonders of being in the throws of a manic episode.
I have learned over the last number of years that there are gifts in mental illness. I am learning how to harness the illness and at times, to use the gifts of the illness to my advantage. One gift was this kick ass baby shower cake that I was able to create for a friend who hosted a surprise baby shower for a dear friend of hers. I had such joy and love in my heart while making it. It was such an enjoyable time spent. I actually, and later I will deny this, enjoy enjoyed cleaning up the cake making mess because I knew that there was so much love that went into making the cake.
Throughout the weekend I crafted and cleaned. Straightened and tidied. My mother in law spent her Sunday morning helping me organize all my crafting and teaching supplies in my garage which was a HUGE burden lifted and helped to remove the overwhelmingness of having a packed and unorganized garage that was staring at me, longing looking at me like it was going to eat me. Her assistance helped me break down the 1.5 car garage into pieces and help make it much more manageable. And by the time my spouse was home, there was plenty of room for his kayak and even room for a small car.
I spent weeks dreading his going away. What was I going to do? How would I fair being alone? What if something happened? But I proved to myself that I was just fine. I did have a breakdown on Saturday night, and you know what, I got over it and got myself back together and I PRESSED ON.
Mania: The Monster
For a number of weeks, I have been dealing with a bad case of mania. It’s been kicking my ass. Not sure how else to describe it, and I figured I would just be frank, I mean we are all friends here.
But I AM fighting back. I have been in touch with my doctors and we are adjusting medications, we are working through talk therapy and waiting on blood work results to analyze hormone levels. All the while I have a massive game of Harry Potter Chess going on in my head and it’s getting pretty intense.
I am getting tired. That’s the honest answer. I am combating the anxiety and challenging the thoughts. The increase in medication and the rescue anxiety medication is causing fatigue. I am having trouble finding the words to use to complete sentences and my memory is not very good. And these things are making my job quite challenging to complete. And there’s this part of me that just wants to scream.
This week has been one of the most exhausting weeks that I have had. But I can clearly see the gifts that I have been given, and my heart is SO full of love and gratitude.
Today, I am focusing on the gifts that I have received and am receiving in life in conjunction with the fact that I live with a mental illness. There has been quite a bit of devastation, don’t get me wrong, but my oh my, there has been some really wonderful things that have happened as well. And for that, I am thinking that today, this here Friday, is going to be a Happy Friday, to me, and to you! ~