It was, yet again, one of those weeks, where Friday came and went and there was not time to sit down and type out babbles. Don’t be afraid, there were babbles, but they just were not formally written.
And Poof, the mania is gone…
If only it were that simple. The mania has subsided, but it did not happen so suddenly. It took over a month, a lot of suffering, and several medication changes. It also consisted of tears, anger, and frustration. But there was a whole shit ton of determination and persistence in there too. And a large dose of “I am not going to let this control me!”
Today is the first day that I am feeling fully human. However, I am going to try and not do too much, just because I am feeling all sunshiny with a side of flowers smiling and singing. A reduction in the rescue anxiety medication is assisting in helping me feeling less sedated. The increase in the main mood stabilizer that I am on helped to stop the “butterflies” in my legs and has allowed me to be still. And for all these things I am quite thankful for my doctor who is so knowledgeable in her practice that she knows what dial to turn and which buttons to tweak to help get me back to feeling better.
Hormones, pesky little gnat birds
I am still battling with my hormones. And I had the hysterectomy in December 2014 as result of the very beginning stages of uterine cancer as well as very severe Endometriosis and Adenomyosis. Proceeding the original surgery, the Endometriosis and a large mass grew back, and I had another surgery and my remaining ovary was removed. This further added to the challenges of balancing out my hormones, which had always been a challenge for me even pre-surgery.
Effective yesterday, we are trying yet another medication to try and get my hormones balanced. I am a firm believer that my hormones place a rather significant role in my day to day life, and my mental health. When my numbers are off (either low or high) my world spins, either extremely fast (mania) or incredibly slow (depression).
I am scared. It is scary to try a new medication not knowing how it will work with your body and if you are on other medications that you may be on. I dwelled on this all day, and last night, with a prayer in my heart, I took the pill and just hoped that it would be what I needed, that it would be a blessing to my body, and not a hindrance.
I often find myself answering the question, “how are you?” with “I’m fine!” But over the last month, I have not done so. I have been more honest. I can’t tell you exactly what I have said, as honestly, I don’t remember, as it’s been an incredibly long month. But I do recall that answers were more like, “I have had better days”, “Today is better than yesterday”, “I am struggling today” and you know what? I have received an outpouring of support. It has been incredible. I was never condemned for being human. Instead I received love, care and support.
In the past, I would keep everything to myself, and at this point I can’t even tell you why. I just did. But, over the last number of weeks it has been amazing to have received the support that I have. I feel incredibly supported. I feel relieved that I can be honest and true, to be able to be transparent feels electric.
I am not sure what is going to happen as we progress over the next few weeks. I started the hormones, we will work to come down off the emergency doses of medication and I zip off to vacation, big events, both chemically, emotionally, mentally and physically. I feel like I am being pushed to my limit, but typically when we are pushed to our limits it forces us to grow. Perhaps, the last month has been growing pains and there’s something spectacular on the horizon?
May you continue to press on towards the goals that you have, that give you hope and drive.